Chooks will be swiftly rounded up and sent forthwith to sterilisation camps, with the aim of an egg-free New Zealand by 2020.
Egg and spoon races will be banned for those under the age of 18 and sellers will be expected to remove their products from supermarket shelves and rehouse them in secure purpose-built egg chambers.
Those who work in the food industry may be forced to wear protective clothing while whipping up a quiche or making an egg salad and for recipes that require more than a dozen eggs, permissions, permits and consents will have to be sought from an array of authorities ... at considerable cost, naturally.
Should councils refuse to declare the CBD as egg-free, diners will have to don masks to protect themselves from exposure to deadly second-hand egg fumes.
Police will be seen setting up check points outside supermarkets to ensure that these new health villains are being transported in approved, child proof containers. Some drivers may also be frisked if police suspect them to be carrying a concealed egg on their person.
And if you think free range eggs are expensive now, just wait until the Government starts to tax them the same way they do cigarettes.
If priced the same as cigarettes, this would see the cost of the average egg rise to approximately $5 each. Egg related crime will rise faster than a souffle.
This might be a good time to pause and spare a thought for the poor old ostrich.
It will need those long legs to out-run its future kidnappers.
With their eggs being the equivalent of 24 regular eggs, these birds will now need to be reclassified as weapons of mass destruction.
Our fridges and pantries will also need to be fitted with egg isolation spaces and cooking and eating utensils that come in contact with the now deadly eggs will have to undergo a decontamination rinse prior to washing. Alternatively, dishwashing manufacturers may opt to conceive and create a highly specialised egg wash cycle as could washing machine makers ... in the event of egg spillage on clothes and table linens.
There will undoubtedly be numerous soaps and hand washes that guarantee a 99 per cent kill rate of egg germs and bacteria and a multitude of air fresheners promising an end to that powerful boiled egg pong.
Parents could possibly be faced with child abuse allegations if caught feeding their kids the merest trace of egg but the most horrific thought, for me, is the possibility that kiwi kids will not get to experience the absolute pleasure of the great kiwi pav until they are adults.
Now that really would be a crime!
Thankfully, only a real egg would believe everything they see on Netflix ... I hope.
Kate Stewart is egg-specting your feedback to: investik8@gmail.com
