Kate Stewart: Savs set to make it big and other tongue-in-cheek predictions for 2019

While many of us take the time to reflect on the year that has been, I've decided to change things up a little, and despite a lack of balls ... of the crystal kind ... I'm going to have a crack at predicting the top trends for the year ahead.

So, let's get started.

I'm picking the most read news story will involve a Kardashian and go something like this.

A search and rescue worker, tasked with retrieving a trapped thong string, between Kim's butt cheeks, will get wedged in the vast, deep, windy crevice and will ultimately die from suffocation.

Fellow rescuers and firefighters will then have to abseil down the humungous mounds to recover his body, once the Jaws of Life have been employed to facilitate a clearer, more stable escape passage.

But it's not all bad news, folks, an iPhone, two unexploded bath bombs and $27.30 in change were successfully located.

In food trends, we will see a stupendous rise in the serving of saveloys.

Like beef cheeks, lamb shanks and bone marrow before them, this last surviving affordable meat will be given the magical menu makeover, that will make "sucking a sav" virtually impossible for low-income families, once they become the new hot ticket item.

Savlova: Duckfat roasted Saveloys served on a fluffy pillow of potato and parmesan mash, topped with a rich roast plum and hazelnut foam, sprinkled with crispy, deep-fried tempura battered mixed veg. $42.00.

Serving minuscule lines of food on the side of a whopping great plate will give way to "gourmet geometry" and "cuisine construction" (add these yet to be adopted phrases to your dictionary).

Food will be served exclusively in shapes ... cubes, triangles, circles, stars, hexagons, dodecahedrons, you name it. If you're not happy with the chef's presentation, you can choose to rebuild it.

And no need to ask for a doggy bag. Pack your own leftovers into a take-home shape sorter and continue to play with your food at home!

On the tech front, I predict a new dating/mating app for pampered pooches. Called "Bitching", despite outcries from the #metoo campaigners, you can swipe left for "paws off" or right for "give me a bone", and for the flirty, you can always show your interest with a cheeky "butt-sniff".

In fashion, see-through handbags and backpacks will be on trend. It's no longer enough to just overshare our thoughts and personal details with virtual strangers, we want them to literally see everything that tells "our story".

There could be some possible up-sides, however, would be bag-snatchers could avoid robbing those who appear to have nothing of value and weapon carriers will be more easily detected!

And finally, our desperate quest to make a truly credible reality show will continue. No - after repeated failed attempts, hours of embarrassing and cringe-worthy viewing, we will still be subjected to these nauseating and often traumatising television events.

I suggest a compromise. Let's round up the worst of all reality stars thus far, sign them up to I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

But here's the twist. Drop them off at some far away remote location ... and just (accidentally) forget about them. It's not like anyone will miss them.
So, there you have it. My predictions for 2019.

How many will bear fruit? Send your apple and banana cubed feedback to investik8@gmail.com

Have a safe and very Happy New Year!