Kate Stewart: Open wide, ladies - nope, not the dentist

READER WARNING: The following is not for the prudish or the faint of heart. Male readers may wish to take this opportunity to avert their eyes or walk away.

It's no easy task being a woman. We get to birth things the size of a pumpkin from an opening more suited to a carrot or parsnip. The crazy ones among us choose to do it more than once. Others opt to have multiple layers of flesh sliced open to make way for our parasitic offspring. We endure the discomfort of having our boobs squished and painfully flattened in the medical equivalent of a panini press, and if that's not enough, we willingly spend time in stirrups, having our lady parts poked and prodded, to rope in our chances of being affected by cervical cancer.

Sadly, the statistics tell us many women are still not taking full advantage of our screening programme as often as they should, if at all. We owe it to ourselves and our families to be more open to idea of a smear. For some, this simple test is no big deal. It's like a warrant of fitness for females, but for others it can be a physically and emotionally daunting process. Preparing ourselves can take hours or even days, depending on individual anxieties, and then there's the all-important grooming choices.

Consider a long-term unattached woman. A smear test could be the most action her nether regions will be exposed to in years. Decisions need to be made. Does she walk into the exam room wearing a carefully placed warning sign that reads: enter at your own risk, or does she bravely opt to employ a team of professional scrub-cutters to tackle the overgrowth issue and create a more user-friendly environment?

Why not take the opportunity to get super creative and hire a topiary expert to craft an original sculpted piece or a designer crop circle with optional bedazzling. Does she even want outside help? Perhaps a hedge trimmer or pruning shears would be a better option. With so many possibilities, it's easy to see how overwhelming a simple smear test can become. Do you wax, shave or trim? If you go au naturel, should you cut and colour? Bring out the rollers or maybe experiment with braiding or dreadlocks. A string of fairy lights could be perfect as we head into the festive season.

Decisions, decisions, but they all add to the pressure. For the shy and self-conscious among us, the reluctance to feel intimidated, scared or vulnerable is completely understandable.

What about the other possible problems you may encounter or be stressing about. Is it safe to use moth balls? How do you deal with cobwebs? Should you take along a crowbar to help prise "things" open? Dare I suggest googling your concerns.

Perhaps you are concerned that after months or possibly even years of neglect, your you-know-what has devolved into an almost feral-like state that will result in any foreign object being subject to a ravenous vice-like death grip.

Will the speculum be swallowed up into the great abyss or expelled violently across the exam room? Is the doctor/nurse at risk of losing a digit? Highly unlikely, but you'll never know if you choose not to go. Let's face it, it's akin to poking a sleeping bear with a stick. The reaction may be impossible to predict, but you may also be pleasantly surprised.

To those of you who keep putting it off, whatever the reason, make a day of it - take a friend along for moral support. Treat yourself to coffee and cake when it's finally over. Trust me, you'll feel so much better just knowing it's done.

My best advice, for what it's worth, is have fun with it. Lose the fear and embrace the smear. We are all good, deserving women, dammit, and we are entitled to the peace of mind that only these dreaded tests can provide, so leave your pride at the door, drop your knickers on the floor then lie back and open wide!

-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools gladly but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever. Your feedback is welcome: investik8@gmail.com