Kate Stewart
No doubt about it, being a mother definitely leaves it mark and while the rewards are said to be plentiful the body, in particular, can take a beating.
Whether it's stretchmarks, C-section scars, mummy tummies or boobs that fail to have the elasticity of a bungee cord, in a world where body image can easily consume us all, a mum's self-confidence can plunge faster and lower than her once-perfect bustline.
Some women are blessed with bounce-back bodies, others work hard to get themselves back in shape and now, more than ever, those with the means turn to cosmetic surgery to help restore them to their former glory.
But what of the women who do none of the above? Those once luscious, lactating Lolitas, shamelessly pumping out the Breast is Best message, quite literally. Each and every boob a genuine contender for a Queen's Service Medal for contributions to childhood development and health.
In their brave battle against the bottle, many a mammary has fallen, some below the waistline, and this can certainly take an emotional toll and cause some to feel flawed or scarred in some way, not to mention self-conscious.
If you've grown tired of the daily struggle of scooping up the sagging remains of your bust and stuffing them into some uncomfortable, archaic restraining device then I'm here with a message of hope.
Release, re-package, re-purpose - Re-group and own that droop! Here's a few of suggestions to get you started.
#The Mummy Maypole. Bind your droopers with brightly coloured fabrics. Depending on strength and fitness level some weight limits may need to be applied. Instruct young child to grab a hold, start to spin. Notice the look of absolute glee on their face as speed increases and slowly but surely they become airborne. What a crowd pleaser. You'll be a hit at kids' parties and with the help of online social media and some creative marketing, it could become a lucrative home business.
#Shoulder Soldiers. Defy gravity and flip over your shoulder for a soft cushion of support. A truly built-in shoulder pad when used as a fashion accessory while also doubling as additional padding for those extra loads like laptop carry bags and back packs.
#Super Droopers. For the more generously endowed: shovel each boob into a padded slip in some trendy zen design, then get yourself along to a gym and roll those puppies out as yoga mats at a pilates class. This all-natural approach is bound to gain favour with the Yin Yang set who simply don't need the hassle of carting around fitness equipment. Like the Mummy Maypole, this too has potential as a great little earner.
Retired milk maids of the world unite, your fallen heroes are still in the fight. Your boobs may be down but they are by no means out. After years of active service there is nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve a medal, even if it does get pinned at knee level.
Smile loudly til next week. investik8@gmail.com
-Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.