Kate Stewart
Message for Dr Nelson Lebo.
Re: Operation AdvoKATE:
Doc, I am assuming you have received my email and followed my instructions to the letter.
If so, upon opening the enclosed state-of-the-art, scratch-and-sniff email attachment, deep inhalation via the nostrils should make this heavily encrypted message readable to your eyes only.
Unfortunately the chemical can have some adverse side effects, one of which is the uncontrollable desire to chew on the toenails of random strangers. I suggest you stay indoors for 24 hours, unless the idea appeals.
My confidential informants tell me local OCs (opinion critics) are spreading rumours of a conspiracy between us, based on your opinion of my opinion of their opinion, which could affect public opinion.
I wanted to thank you for your support and with IRD recently confirming my wealth status, I thought a financial reward would be in order.
I realise many may view it as inappropriate, so earlier this week I embarked on a covert mission to ensure your reward can not be traced back to me.
First stop was the bank, where I withdrew the entire contents of my savings account.
No rookie mistakes from me - to avoid marked bills and sequential bank notes, I took the precaution of asking for the cash in coin. The balance was a staggering $8.63. The teller gave me four $2 coins. I left the 63 cents in place, to keep the account open. I hope you don't think I'm stiffing you.
I needed double-sided tape to complete the mission but did not think it wise to leave an electronic trail, so I had to use half your reward money in my bid to avoid detection. I'm sure you'll understand.
Working on the assumption I was being followed, I thought it best to wait until nightfall before returning home.
Unfortunately that meant more parking metre money. I was forced to use a further $2 from your funds. Better safe than sorry, right?
Upon entering my home, I had the feeling that I was being watched, but I bravely fought the impulse to turn on any lights. I could just feel that eyes were on me. It was the cats, their dinner was long overdue. I fumbled in the pantry for the Friskies and filled their bowl.
I spent the next half hour "laundering" the remainder of the loot. First I soaked it in a warm dilution of lemon bleach and water before scrubbing it with some Persil Ultimate. I thought fabric softener would be a bit redundant on metal. I dried it off with luxury three-ply toilet tissue.
I then made my way to the bedroom, where I crawled into the wardrobe, lit a candle and proceeded to paint the last remaining coin with black nail polish.
Happy with all I had accomplished but exhausted, I then climbed into bed to grab 40 winks.
I woke at sparrow's fart, determined to complete the mission. The cats were all over me. I went to make coffee and noticed their food bowl was untouched. In the dark I'd mistaken the Friskies for Kitty Litter. I quickly rectified my mistake, knocked back a cup of instant, threw Waffle a bone and was out the door.
I retrieved the double-sided tape from the glovebox and placed a strip on the painted coin.
The streets were pretty much deserted. I parked on the Parade and crossed the road to the giant pencil sculptor where I casually affixed the loot to a black stripe on the largest HB.
You may want to deposit the funds and route them through several off-shore accounts to avoid the taxman. I'll leave that decision to you. Whatever you choose to do, spend it wisely, my friend.
A handsome reward? I guess that's a matter of opinion ... but it's the thought that counts.
P.S I ran out of petrol on the way home so I had to go back and "borrow" the $2 for gas money. I.O.U.
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools gladly but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever. Your feedback is welcome: investik8@gmail.com