Jim Parnell: Bring the cruise ships to Whanganui

The cruise ship, Costa Favolona, with 6000 tourists loaded with largesse enters the Whanganui River.

Opinion:

I was recently on a cruise ship seeing the sights of Alaska: the towns of Skagway (population under 1000), Ketchican (population about 8000, rainfall 3.9 metres per year), and Juneau (population about 32,000), and in particular, seeing the glacier that terminates in the sea in Glacier Bay.

The area gets about a million cruise ship visitors per year, all with vast amounts of money to burn in the towns visited. Shops and drinking establishments were thriving, as were adventure tourism outlets.

I was envious of the way in which such small communities, even with inclement weather, could make lots of money from tourists. And I thought that if only we didn't have that bar at the mouth of our river, we also could bring in those cruise ships that are at present prowling the oceans and make lots of money.

Coincidentally, I was reading a copy of Alice's Adventures Through the Looking Glass from the ship's library, and was at the part where the Walrus and the Carpenter were wondering whether "seven maids with seven brooms could cleanse the shore from sand in half a year". "These days," I thought, "they would be using bulldozers instead of brooms and it would be done in a day!" Like the Cheshire cat, I grinned at the thought.

Then came the lightbulb moment. Eureka I cried! And I did a victory lap around the deck to celebrate the thought. I hasten to add that unlike Archimedes when he had his flash of inspiration, I ran fully clothed as it was cold outside and I would have incurred the intense displeasure of the captain had I been naked, likely spending the rest of the voyage in irons in the brig and missing out on seeing the glacier.

My idea was that we should get a fleet of seven sub aqueous bulldozers working on the bar of our river, pushing it out to sea, and before long, cruise ships would be able to enter with their thousands of passengers who would later depart, leaving loads of cash behind for us! The bulldozers, remotely controlled and adapted for working underwater in a marine environment (marinised? marinated?), would crawl down the river bed between the moles, pushing the bar material out to sea.

They would then turn left at the end of the south mole, crawl over the South Spit, drop back into the river and go downstream again, pushing another load of silt and sand from between the moles. The bar would soon become a memory with this treatment.

With a clear channel, cruise ships could enter and leave safely. They should not propel themselves in the normal way as their screws would churn up the riverbed. Instead, they should winch themselves up into the harbour by fishing up a hawser laid in the channel for that purpose, taking it around their bow winch, and pulling themselves up to their moorings in the same way as the old riverboat skippers pulled their craft up the rapids on the Whanganui River.

They would need to be drawn out backwards in the same manner, as in no way could a turning basin for ships of their sizes be created at the 'Cliff.

With the Cheshire cat nestling on my shoulder, I considered the details of entertaining the tourists once the cruise ships had berthed at our Castlecliff Wharf.

Whanganui would be awash with them! What could they do? Fortunately, Whanganui, with its river and history, has unique land, sea and air attractions for visitors. Obviously, we must prepare for the onslaught whilst we are bulldozing the bar to oblivion.

The 'Cliff must prepare itself for a deluge of tourists, thousands at a time, by developing a shopping centre with an appropriate array of outlets selling everything from high-class jewellery to kitsch.

But the tourists also need to be funnelled into the city, so the Castlecliff railway must be turned into a light-rail system (thereby beating Auckland and Wellington in getting this facility!).

The line must be extended at the city end to join on to the tramway system, which in turn, should be extended in a big loop around Pukenamu/Sandfly Hill/Queen's Park to allow tourist access to the Sargeant Gallery, the Heritage Library, the museum and a mid-Avenue station located at the Majestic Centre. It should then go through a tunnel under the sand hill at the end of Maria Place, do a victory circuit around historic Cook's Garden and then rejoin the line out to the 'Cliff.

The Rutland Stockade should be rebuilt and staffed by "soldiers" who would entertain tourists with parades and military displays. Its band could also play music outside the coffee shops that would spring up like mushrooms to serve the tourists.

Shops would do a roaring trade, especially in pounamu items, jewellery, and souvenirs like T-shirts, plates, hats, caps, etc, etc. Even bottles of river water (too thin to plough, too thick to drink) could be sold.

The museum could do a roaring trade in replica moa bones as souvenirs. "Hey Mom, guess what I bought—a genuine replica of a six foot moa skeleton!"

Iwi could make and sell carvings and greenstone ornaments, mere and other weapons. Statuettes of bold Aokehu standing victorious on the slain body of the notorious taniwha, Tutaeporoporo, would sell well, as would other realisations of mythical beings from Māori legend.

A reinstated time ball could be erected on Durie Hill, as could a signal flag to indicate the impending arrival of another cruise ship

A gondola to take tourists from Pukenamu/Sandfly Hill/Queen's Park to the top of Durie Hill and back again would be a money spinner; as could a flying fox alongside it for those who want a thrilling ride.

The "fox" would need a slowing mechanism to prevent it from breaking the sound barrier on its downhill run and annoying the public with sonic booms.

Tourists could go on riverboat trips to Hipango Park, with a stop at Upokongaro for food and drinks. If the demand becomes such that the Waimarie and the Wairua are too small handle it, the wreck of Hatrick's Manuwai (which could carry 400 passengers) could be recovered from the banks of the Waikato River, restored, and pressed into service.

Cruise ship passengers in need of exercise could hire bicycles and ride to Upokongaro, crossing the river on the new bridge and then return to town by bike or canoe. Or else, they could just hire canoes to have an aquatic experience, or go on a horse trek for an equine experience. The airport is handy for those who wish to be subjected to aerobatics.

I am sure that home-brewers could rise to the occasion to enable visitors to sample a wide range of beverages and make a profit in doing so.

"Well cat," I declaimed to my feline friend as I filled glasses for us to celebrate the concept, "The possibilities for making money from cruise ship passengers are enormous. Whanganui would prosper in providing tourists with 'all that they need, and then some'. All that we need are seven marinated bulldozers! Let's drink to it."

The Cheshire cat winked, downed its drink and then vanished slowly, its smile being the last to go.