It's enough to do your scone in

Sir Bob Jones in his Auckland office for 12 Questions. 15 July 2014 New Zealand Herald Photograph by Richard Robinson

SCONEGATE

August, 2017, three months before election.

4pm Radio New Zealand news: In breaking news an unconfirmed report just to hand, alleges Prime Minister John Key had a second scone with his afternoon tea today. We'll keep listeners informed as details come to light.

6pm TV One news:

"National's re-election hopes potentially lies in tatters after allegations John Key had a second scone for afternoon tea. Campaign manager Stephen Joyce fuelled suspicions by refusing to comment. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is believed to be in a lockdown crisis meeting with his advisers. We cross now to Labour leader Andrew Little. (Little, grave-faced standing before assembled journalists): "I share the country's concern over this disturbing allegation. Certainly it's not something I'd do as Prime Minister, nor I believe, regardless of political affiliation, would any former Prime Minster."

Barry Soper, Newstalk ZB: "What about Lange?"

Little: "I do not believe Mr Lange ever did such a thing while Prime Minister. The fact remains that this distressing allegation is an appalling affront to the thousands of Kiwi children going hungry each day to school."

In further news, the coroner calls for compulsory life-jackets in swimming pools. Also, Russia invades Poland, international stock-markets crash and Chilean earthquake kills 8000.

Following morning's Dominion Post front page: SCONEGATE - The Sconegate crisis escalated overnight with mounting criticism of the Prime Minister. New Zealand First leader Winston Peters said in a prepared statement: "Our boys did not sacrifice their lives on foreign soil so the Prime Minister could scoff scones. Decency requires his immediate resignation." Excepting Judith Collins, National MPs have refused to comment. Ms Collins told journalists: "It's not the sort of thing I'd do but at this stage I remain behind John's leadership". A Victoria University politics professor, Dr Jon Johansson, suggested last night that Sconegate could precipitate a leadership challenge. "National could gain an advantage taking a fresh face into the election, to remove the taint now hanging over the government."

New Zealand Herald front page: Shocking claim - Sconegate crisis deepens.

Unconfirmed reports suggest John Key may have had jam on his second scone. TV3 have brought back John Campbell for a one-hour Sconegate special tonight, in which shocking new revelations are promised. Reporting from Parliament, Audrey Young said there was widespread revulsion over the Prime Minister's lack of empathy with traditionally built Maori and Pacific women. Meanwhile, the Screaming Skull, John Minto, announced he will mount a 48-hour protest outside the Prime Minister's home. Also, convicted fraudster, Graham McCready stated he would bring a private prosecution against Mr Key.

Sconegate makes world press: Reports on Sconegate have been published in newspapers across the world.

How much more must we endure? - asks the Waikato Times in an editorial. We've suffered the Prime Minister's Ponygate, Spectaclesgate (borrowing spectacles from a press gallery journalist), Cyclegate (visiting a school and riding a pupil's bike), Gategate (leaving a gate open when inspecting a Matamata farm) and now Sconegate. Right-thinking New Zealanders will doubtless demonstrate their disdain in the coming election.

7pm TV3, John Campbell special: "Good evening. Tonight we will expose the truth behind the Sconegate scandal, with some startling new revelations. I have in the studio with me a very, very brave young woman, Sharlene McGinty, a Bellamy's waitress." Campbell reaches across and takes Sharlene's hand. "Thank you so very much for coming on Sharlene. I know this is extremely difficult, but the nation will applaud your courage. First, would it be fair to say that in speaking out you felt New Zealanders needed to know about this matter?"

Sharlene, (wiping a tear): "Yeah."

Campbell: "So can you absolutely confirm that the Prime Minister had a second scone?"

Sharlene: "Yeah."

Campbell: "That's dreadful. How did you feel when you were ordered to deliver it?"

Sharlene (sobbing): "I was very upset. Mr Key usually only has one."

Campbell: "Now I want you to be strong and take your time and think very, very carefully. Can you confirm whether or not the Prime Minister had jam on that second scone?"

Sharlene (face strained): "Yeah - and he says did we have whipped cream but we dint."

Campbell (eyes bulging; horrorstruck): "This is utterly appalling."

Sharlene: "Yeah. An' it was buttered. I did it meself."

Campbell (aghast): "So you're telling me, that the Prime Minister of New Zealand, not only had a second scone, but it was buttered, and it had jam on it, and not content with that, he then demanded whipped cream."

Sharlene: "Loik I says, there wont no whipped cream."

Campbell (hopefully): "Did the Prime Minister throw a tantrum when you said you had no whipped cream?"

Sharlene: "Nah. 'E just laughed."

Campbell (wiping brow in feigned disgust): "In your entire professional career Sharlene, have you ever, ever experienced anything like this?"

Sharlene: "Well that Mr Brownlee ... "

Campbell (interrupting): "No, no, no. I'm talking about Prime Ministers."

And so it goes; on and on. Such is life in New Zealand.