If the year fits, we all have to wear it

TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE: It's time to discard 2014 and see how 2015 looks.

I am writing this on New Year's Day after getting up and trying on 2015 for size.

The fit is not bad. The arms are longer than I usually like them but I guess they don't make whole years in small sizes.

The shoulders are very wide - could be an indication that they will be pressed hard against the grindstone a lot this year or is it simply the narcissistic triumph of form over function?

The collar is so tight it threatens to cut circulation to the brain, preventing the formation of any coherent thoughts while allowing unfiltered nonsense such as a Kardashian to bottom out. This effect is offset by lapels that are narrow on the right and wider on the left side but this is not a problem as the jacket is completely reversible, allowing easy adaptation to changes in political allegiances as inside and outside are almost identical.

This year does have pockets of promise. These are big enough to contain large amounts of hope, charity and compassion with room left for all the latest in retro technology. Apparently old style phones, computers, cameras, watches and books are going to be the "thing" this year, which is great as I still have the ones I got years ago. The jacket pocket contained a carefully folded newspaper cutting of a Gemini horoscope for 2015. I had a look. It says I should never believe anything I read in my horoscope, which is a huge relief. I can now stop worrying about the consternation created by the stars and anxiously watching out for planets suddenly retrograding into my orbit while I am dithering in the great galactic carpark of life.

I put on the 2015 pants that match the jacket.

The style suggests it will be a confusing year in which indecisiveness will become the new decision matrix. The shape vacillates between stove pipe narrow to wide and baggy and I have tripped over the cuffs, which are clearly a last minute government alteration to make the wearer feel safe from the frayed unravelling threads of terror but are more likely to hobble the march of democracy. Trousers that cannot make up their mind should not be trusted.

The pants are held up by a belted combination of authentic cynicism and fervent optimism which should keep them from falling down when facing those despairing times when the humanity part of being human seems to have gone missing. For those lacking empathy, there is a set of braces that can be adjusted to fit your own personal reality.

The 2015 year comes with a detailed set of care instructions: Wash separately from 2014 items. Remove any stains/scandals with care and hang out to dry.

Do not apply hot irony as this may shrink the year into a bundle of contradictions.

Using cold sarcasm without adding a soft wash of PR may result in a bitter backlash, leaving the wearer exposed to the harsh scrutiny of the media.

After trying on and wearing 2015 for most of the morning, I think it is going to be the kind of year that at first seems far too big - but I am sure we will grow into it as the months pass.

Note: The matching satirical socks should only be worn ironically.

- Terry Sarten is a Whanganui-based writer, musician and all round word-wrangler. Feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz