How much is that doggie? Ask the staff!

Why does my heart skip a crazy beat, and other profound questions have tormented Kate Stewart's brain this week.

While most people are pondering how a jumbo jet can disappear, this week I have decided to ponder some very different issues.

Some of the world's most profound and perplexing questions have been asked of us, in song. Today, I hope to put an end to all the speculation and theorising by answering them, once and for all.

It was 1969 when Peter Sarstedt first asked: Where do you go to my lovely, when you're alone in your bed?

I make mention of the year because the answer is a time-sensitive one. Back then there could have been only one reply. Today, however, the question could have several correct answers.

Think about it. Back then there was no "take to bed" technology. No laptops, iPads or iPhones, so the only place you could go was to the land of nod, making the answer, sleep. Simple. You go to sleep.

Nowadays, with sleep still a valid answer, you can also meet friends on Facebook, enjoy a late-night shopping spree with a credit cart and electronic cart or Skype with family on the other side of the world.

Considering, too, that by the end of the song, he claims to know where she does go, you have to wonder why he bothered asking.

Now for something a little more challenging. Unanswered since 1956, we are presented with the musical mystery, Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

The answer is again obvious. Because they can. Let's not be too judgmental of fools. They are just as entitled to fall in love as anyone else and it's not for us to discriminate or be critical of this pack of imbeciles.

But what of the other questions the song asks?

Why do birds sing so gay? I don't think I can answer this without taking legal advice. It's a political hot potato. Such a question would never be asked in today's modern music. It's delicate ground, so I'll have to leave you to draw your own conclusions. I'm surprised the song hasn't been censored or removed from the airways.

Next, we are asked: Why does the rain fall from up above? Well, it's physics, really, it can't come up through the ground. Unless you have a secret rain-cloud storage bunker, I can't see any other way it can fall, so another pretty pointless question.

Lastly, Franki Lymon asks, Why does my heart skip a crazy beat? While I'm no cardiologist, I have had the odd palpitation or episode of tachycardia. It is usually caused by an interruption to the flow of blood surrounding the heart, but don't take my word for it. I think it would be best if you sought medical advice.

My heartbeat was never diagnosed as "crazy" though. I was unaware you could even have a mentally unstable heartbeat. Maybe it's just denial on my part. It can't be classed as "normal", either, for if it was, it wouldn't be skipping a beat.

OMG, I've got a dysfunctional heart! On the upside, it matches my brain now.

See, this is what happens. You dig too deep into life's great mysteries and you uncover more than you are prepared for.

However, moving on, we have, perhaps, the most complex of song questions to answer: How much is that doggie in the window? This one had me stumped and it raises other questions too, that deepen the mystery.

Do you pay more for a waggly tail? Has it been wormed, had flea treatment and been vaccinated? Is it inclusive of GST? Is it house-trained? The list goes on.

While I have been in many pet shops, I can't say I've seen a doggie in the shop window, so I would never have to ask such a question. I'm picking, though, that the dog's pedigree would play a large part in determining its financial worth.

The simple solution is to ask at the pet store rather than go to the enormous effort of writing the song, recording it and then expecting complete strangers to answer the question for you.

At the end of the day, despite her somewhat unorthodox approach, I'm sure Patti Page made more than enough money from record sales to buy any doggie she desired.

I'm sure, too, that you have your own theories on these much-asked questions. I have merely offered what I believe to be the most logical solutions. I feel almost ready to take on the chicken and egg debate, after I've had my newly diagnosed dysfunctional heart seen to, that is.

If you have feedback or a question you would like me to investiKate, feel free to email me: investik8@gmail.com

Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.