Grief is complex and there is no textbook - Nicky Rennie

Clive Rennie was honoured by the Queen for services to education and sport.

I look the same from the outside looking in. I do normal things that most others do.

I sit at traffic lights, I go for coffee, I take a walk and I go to the supermarket, I even have a laugh with people in the office, but I am different now.

I’m different because there is a little piece of me that is now missing.

Three weeks ago today, the Rennie family lost our patriach, Clive.

Husband to his “Wee Thing” Ann, an incredible father to his four children and an inspiring Pop to his grandchildren.

It’s still hard to believe that it was only three weeks ago and, to be honest, I don’t really know how I feel.

There is so much to unpack from the time that he went into the hospital for something that we thought would be fixed in a few days and then have him home, to where we are now. He did come home. For end-of-life care.

My personal belief is that death is a part of life. That’s easy to say, but grief is complex.

I have supported friends who have lost parents, siblings, grandparents and their own children, but what I can say is that when it is your own family, it takes on a new perspective because the dynamic of the family is forever changed.

So much happens during the process that certain roles change, reactions are not what you may have expected and when it is all over and all the cards and flowers stop coming, you have to come to terms with what it is that you do feel.

I’m a realist. I’m not going to beat myself up or judge anyone who has been in this situation – ever. It is a lot to deal with.

Nobody deserves a medal for doing what they do or have done to help care for the person and nobody deserves judgement if they didn’t handle it like the textbook says (there is no such book by the way).

I have also mulled over if there is a perfect way to pass. Suddenly? A diagnosis that gives you a week or a diagnosis that gives you more time?

I don’t know the answer. We got a bit of both. Clive had been living with blood cancer for three years and could have kept going, but when he went into hospital, it was the perfect storm and his body did the talking for him and told him that it had had enough.

Having a little bit of time meant that Dad could tie a lot of things up with a nice Clive-shaped bow.

All his children rallied, as did his grandchildren, and there was nothing that was left unsaid.

We all knew how much he loved us and he knew that we adored him and were grateful to him for the incredible values that he and Mum instilled in us.

Each sibling probably learned different lessons and each sibling also had their own relationship with him. I can only speak for myself and thank him on my behalf.

First and foremost, without you Dad, I wouldn’t have my darling girl.

I thank you for her, always. Thank you for my drive, determination and sense of community.

Thank you for being a man who got results in any situation but was always a fair and kind person.

Kind people aren’t always treated that well by others who can view them as weak, or see them as a target that they can walk all over.

They aren’t weak, they just treat others as they would like to be treated.

Thank you for loving our Mum and for being a formidable team who cemented that family is always first, no matter what – until the very end.

Thank you for being wise, supportive and for loving me unconditionally when I have been unlovable.

Knowing that you can make any decision you want in your own life and be supported no matter what is a powerful springboard to achieve.

As a family we were there at Government House when Clive was honoured by the Queen for services to education and sport.

Pride doesn’t even come close to describing how thrilled we were for him.

The fact that his beloved grandmother has received an honour from her as well was the icing on the cake for him.

He showed us that anything is possible and he will be missed by us all incredibly.

I am grateful that my Dad waited for my girl to get here from Wellington to say goodbye to him so she had closure.

I’m grateful that I got to promise him some things that I now can’t go back on that make me a better person, and I’m glad that he knew what the career plan was for the rest of my life.

I’m grateful that I got to care for him with Mum for as long as I did.

It was a privilege and an honour. I’m glad the family respected his wishes for a simple family farewell.

I am taking all the positives out of the entire process. There is so much to be thankful for.

Finally, my Dad and I will now forever share a special bond. Clive passed away on May 17. My birthday.

Whanganui-based Nicky Rennie returned to her home town in 2018 while celebrating three decades in broadcasting. She has written a column for the Whanganui Chronicle since 2021.