GCSB under-covers operation can bowl Aussies

I SPY VICTORY: And all thanks to the GCSB transmitter hidden in the helmet.A-280215NZHBPCWC215

WE NOW know that the New Zealand spying agency, the Government Communications Security Bureau (GCSB), applied its skills and considerable resources to checking out the international opposition to Tim Groser's bid for the lead role with the World Trade Organisation.

This action has been widely misunderstood as being about helping a National Party MP score a grand salary and cushy post ... oops, sorry - to assist New Zealand gain a place in the international power structure of world trade.

We should take note of the wider potential as there is no reason we cannot use the GCSB for other things. They could assist me to get a high-powered job with the United Nations as, apparently, helping people advance their personal ambitions is part of their taxpayer-funded role.

However, there are other aspects of New Zealand's international profile they should be concentrating on right now.

We should get them to assist the Black Caps to win the Cricket World Cup by sussing what kind of task we will be facing in the final tomorrow. They have the technology - and, it would appear, the required lack of any scruples.

By the time I finish writing this column (it is Thursday evening), we will know whether it will be Australia or India we will be facing and our spies and spooks can then leap into action.

It seems we already spy on India, so extending that to incorporate the players in their cricket team should be easy. India has 1,282,741,906 experts on the game who all have an opinion on the players, the strengths and weaknesses of their national side and will be talking and emailing huge amounts of background data that the GCSB can sweep up for detailed analysis and then pass on to the NZ coach Mike Hesson.

Australia has a smaller group of potential sources of information with only 23,574 218 coaches of their team and a fair proportion of them will be supporting India and not be willing to give away too much.

Nevertheless the opportunity to gather information on sledging tactics, any new underarm bowling techniques or claims to talented Kiwis suddenly being declared Australian will quickly be identified, allowing the Black Caps to develop a strategic response.

The GCSB could be well occupied listening in on the opposing team's phone calls, tapping their emails and hiding in the bushes at the training ground to capture film of their bowlers, measuring the number of steps in their run-up, analysing slow motion recordings of the wrist action and how often the team pause for cups of performance-enhancing tea.

They could be setting up a honeypot sting to compromise the umpires by tempting them with a gold-bound edition of the Duckworth Lewis rules or checking the groundsman's emails to see what kind of grass seed is being purchased or what is actually going on under the covers when it rains.

The possibilities are endless - turning the sight screens into giant microphones to eavesdrop on the wicket-keeper's banter, doing a clandestine switch of the ball between overs, interpreting the Australian accent for us ... there is so much to do.

The GCSB are doing some of these things already.

They are spying and gathering information on friend and foe alike but, because it is all so secret, it is hard to see any benefits.

If they can help us win the Cricket World Cup, then at least all that sneaking about will be worth it. -Terry Sarten is a writer, musician, president, chairman and life member of the Satirista - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz