From The Scrapheap: Try a middle finger solution

LATELY I have taken to giving the one-fingered salute to things that really annoy me.

Not people - well, not often anyway - mainly inanimate objects or machines without feelings that have caused me grief.

For example, the computer I am writing this on informed me I have a bazillion updates to go through when all I wanted to do was get to notepad. It got a one-fingered salute.

I hadn't even realised I was doing this until my fiancee (pronounced FINANCE-e because of the cost of her engagement ring) told me she thought it was funny and had caught herself doing it, too - though she flashes her ring finger because it's less "rude".

It got me thinking ... why? Why am I silently giving the finger to things that annoy me?

I can be hammering a nail into something in the back yard and the nail bends over. Do I curse and scream? Nope. I give it the finger and then go back to work.

Sometimes, when things really upset me, I give the finger with both hands and sort of wave them around with a bit of a dance.

I'll give the one-fingered salute to a newspaper article, or a TV screen - or even to the dog (he just thinks I'm playing) and so on and so forth. Nothing is exempt.

And I think I know why I am doing this ...

It's because of kids. Yes, kids. They are everywhere in my household with their good hearing and sensitive, impressionable little minds.

Telling something to "effing go get effed you fat effer" at the top of my lungs after I've bashed my finger is now a no-no when in the next room someone is playing with Lego.

Once, when I was younger and thinner and had fewer bills and kids - and more hair - I would have happily sworn away to my heart's content at things that got me mad. It worked as an efficient release of frustration and allowed me to get whatever it was that made me mad out of the way so I could re-concentrate on the task at hand.

Now, though, I give these things the finger.

To put it simply - kids can't hear the finger. It also has the extra bonuses of not costing a cent, being untraceable on the internet and creating no air pollution.

So, if you see a man looking like a lunatic and jumping up down using both hands to give the finger to a lump of wood or a car wheel, etc, just remember it's a dad trying to remain productive while doing his best to protect his children's fragile minds in a clean, green and ecological way.