Frank Greenall: Gusset gossip from the Oval Office

HI, MR PREZ: Bob Charles - just the man to make action gussets great again.

POTUS makes a big call ...

(Ring ring)

Bill: "Hello, Bill here."

POTUS: "Clinton?"

Bill: "No, English."

POTUS: "Theresa May? Your voice has dropped ... and why change your name to Bill?"

Bill: "Mr President, it's Bill English, New Zealand Prime Minister."

POTUS: "Oh yeh, that Bill ... Now listen up, Bill, I want you to say 'hi' to Bob Charles for me - one of the great golfers, even if he was a leftie. The week before he won the Open I did a sub-60 practice round on the same links, but my entry was blocked 'cos I was under 18 at the time."

Bill: "Mr President, I think our previous Prime Minister - whose name I'm not allowed to mention - has already phoned Bob to say 'hi' to him from you, just like you asked John ... I mean, just like you asked our previous PM to do. And apparently Bob said to say 'hi' to you, too."

POTUS: "Well, I take that as an endorsement by Bob of my anti-terrorism policy, my anti-immigration policy, and my commitment to fast-tracking the destruction of the planet through increased fossil fuel consumption - all policies that are going to make America great again."

Bill: "Ahh, Mr President, I'm not sure Bob ..."

POTUS: "I always remember what Bob once said - because he's not only a great golfer but a great thinker - and that is: 'Whether it's in the great game of golf or the great game of life - you play it as it lies.' Even though Bobby Jones may have said it first - and, believe me, I'm the go-to man when it comes to lies."

Bill: "Mr President, I'm ..."

POTUS: "And another thing, Bill - Bob's a man of action, just like me. You don't get smarmy weasel words from Bob or me. Bob didn't get to be Bob by not having an action gusset on his signature shirt range. Better still, he had two action gussets - one under each arm - and if my arithmetic's right, I think that adds up to two.

"In fact, I love Bob's action gussets so much you can now buy the Donald Trump action gusset polo shirt range, which is as faithful a rip-off of Bob's original action gusset shirts as we could make.

"As with my 'Make America Great Again' baseball caps, they're the finest quality Chinese craftspeople can make, because we need to bring back American jobs.

"Believe me, we're going to need all the American workers we can get to build the Mexican border wall, and they're going to need great quality Chinese-made action gussets to keep those arms moving freely, and great Chinese-made baseball caps for shielding the hot Mexican sun.

"And as Trump - I mean, American - employees, I'll be able to supply their patriotic apparel at a truly great discount."

Bill: "Mr President, now that TPP is no go, I was wondering about maybe a bilateral ..."

POTUS: "Bilateral is good, Bill, as long as you don't expect the Land of the Free to give up its freedom to freely subsidise American farmers. To oppose that basic freedom is communism, and possibly verging on terrorism.

"And if you can still beat our farmers' prices once we've subsidised the hell out of them, then that's free trade at its finest."

Bill: "I just thought ..."

POTUS: "Sorry to interrupt, Theresa - I mean, Bill - but a little birdie told me you had something to say about our Muslim immigration ban."

Bill: "Well, Mr President, I was only remarking ... "

POTUS: "I'm glad we've had this free and frank discussion, Bill, but time is money - plus interest. I'll just put you on to Ivanka so she can take your orders for your Trump action gusset shirts and the caps. You've got quite a big family, I understand ... "