Discipline takes many forms

Liza Iliffe from Skip Wanganui Photo/File

Over the past few weeks we've had lovely conversations with parents and grandparents who are ringing in responses to our Positive Parenting messages.

We appreciate the feedback and enjoy sharing the SKIP resources and messages with you. We're always encouraged by the conversations we have, it's a privilege to share information that strengthens learning on the journey that is parenting.

Like us, children learn through everyday conversations. When we discipline children, we need to ensure they understand the message. We also need to say it in a way that is not vague, confusing or hostile. These messages raise negative feelings that distract the child from what you are trying to tell them.

Research says that disciplinary encounters are a form of teaching - they are how a child learns about the perspective of others.

What parents say to children when they discipline them will influence how effective the discipline is. To be effective the message needs to be clear, sensible and age appropriate. How to be clear: attract the child's attention, direct their attention to the object or topic under question before giving a specific explanation about what is expected and why. Our expectations need to be reasonable - remember that a 1 year old is going to make a mess when eating and a 2 year old will have toilet accidents.

How we communicate is influenced by our parenting styles. There are many great ways to parent children - and each family needs to find ways that fit with their values and beliefs. Let's take a look at communication patterns in two well intentioned parenting styles that ultimately can cause some big problems.

The Authoritarian Sergeant Major style is characterised by the message "I'm the boss, and I know what's good for you!" To get children to behave in ways that they want, an authoritarian set of communication tools is often used. These may include:

Shouting

Nagging

Threatening

Impatience

Criticising

Shaming

Comparing to others

Giving orders

Hitting (or smacking as parents mostly call it)

The Permissive - Jelly Fish style gives the message "Oh well - they're only kids once - besides I'm really tired of asking, it's easier just to do it myself." Communication tools used may be:

Giving in

Never saying no

Inconsistency with limits

Making empty threats

Nagging

Being a doormat

Giving up

The parenting style that gives children the best chance to succeed is the Authoritative - Backbone/Parent Coach. Research shows that this style of parenting produces healthy, well-balanced children and gives children the message: "You are a real person and so am I - let's find ways for both of us to enjoy our lives." Parents using this style use a set of communication tools that include:

Listening

Considering

Responding

Explaining

Positive enforcement

Encouragement

More positive that negative messages

Research shows this set of tools produces children who are self motivated, who have developed internal discipline, who communicate clearly, and who have good self esteem.

If you would like to know about free courses available in Wanganui for parents contact Liza and Lynette at SKIP Whanganui text or phone 027 626 1404 or 345 3008, email skipwanganui@xtra.co.nz