Dark doings in Drury Lane

With the holidays all but over, many parents, myself included, will welcome the return of the kids to school.

Normally a dreaded time for me, holidays represent the life forms annoying me more than they usually do, though this time around I must admit they have become so much more independent. On the rare occasions they have emerged from their cages it's only been in search of sustenance or to empty the litter box.

They have, however, become nocturnal creatures in this time, waking no earlier than 2pm and sometimes as late as 6pm. Waffle and I have enjoyed relative peace and quiet.

Waffle has been working hard on building up his shoe stocks, bringing me at least one new offering a day, though I have yet to make a matching pair. His insecurity issues remain unresolved, and the cats continue to use his nose as a scratching post. Thank heavens for my overactive imagination and crazy chaotic mind. My life would be pretty sad without them.

Now it's back to business. Last week I exposed the goings-on in Drury Lane with the death of Humpty Dumpty. This week I unmask another two suspects that police have had their sights on, and the cause of death is revealed, so let's get on with it.

The next person to fall under a cloud of suspicion was a young lad, Bill Winkie, also known as Willie. With his parents working night shift, Willie was pretty much left to his own devices and it seems Humpty had made notes in his journal explaining exactly what it was wicked Willie was getting up to.

Most were typical teen pranks, knocking on doors and running away, rapping at windows, peeping through locks ... pretty harmless stuff, until he came to Miss Muffet's cottage. It would appear, if Humpty is to be believed, that Wee Willie turned into Peeping Tom whenever the very attractive Miss Muffet was in a state of undress. Apparently, Humpty had told Willie to stop his peeping and had threatened to expose the boy's actions to the police.

It was just after this that Humpty's wall was tagged on three consecutive nights and less than a week before he was dead. Willie had both the motive and the opportunity, not to mention that his prints were found all over the wall.

Already in the police system for disorderly behaviour, Willie was in breach of his curfew conditions by being out at night, and that meant a jail term could be imposed if police became aware of his actions.

But before we settle on him, we need to look at the fourth and final suspect, Ma Hubbard. Preparing for retirement, old Mrs Hubbard had placed the family home on the market. Until Humpty moved in, her home boasted the most stunning river views. Then, despite her objection, the wall went up and her property valuation took a nose dive of epic proportions. Ma Hubbard was outraged. Her plans to spend her twilight years in relative luxury with her pitbull terrier, Terror, had literally been stonewalled.

So, peeps, where does that leave us? Four suspects, all with motive - or was it really just an accident?

Despite the best efforts of police, a lack of forensic evidence at the scene meant no arrests were made for murder.

The coroner, too, could find nothing conclusively suspicious in the death of Mr Dumpty and claimed the cause of death to be not the fall but a heart attack. Was it just his time? Was he literally scared to death by one of our suspects, or is there some other, more sinister cause?

It was interesting to note that alongside the broken remains of Humpty's body was his mail for the day. Though three letters remained unopened, gripped tightly in his right hand was a Wanganui District Council rates demand. Though police are not actively seeking anyone else in relation to the case, it remains open.

But what of our suspects? Humpty's journal led to several investigations. What were the outcomes for those involved?

Well, in return for literally grassing up Mary Contrary, Mack Muffin received a reduced sentence for buying marijuana with intent to supply. He was sentenced to three years' prison. He served one year inside but continues to serve the remainder on home detention. His wife divorced him, forcing him to sell his home on Drury Lane.

With the help of new manager Jack Sprat, he continues to run his muffin business and has now expanded it to include cupcakes.

Mary Contrary was charged with cultivating cannabis for supply and sentenced to five years' jail. Mary is said to be a model prisoner who now happily runs the prison gardens, where she specialises in poppies. Ironically, Mack Muffin is their biggest customer, buying the seeds for his muffins and cupcakes. Her home on Drury Lane remains empty.

Bill Winkie appeared in court after a patrol car spotted him engaged in acts of voyuerism on the Muffet property. He also faced charges of breaching his bail conditions.

After agreeing to attend therapy and rehab, he was placed on probation and given a final warning. He continues to live on Drury Lane.

Finally we come to Ma Hubbard. Her property eventually sold for a bargain-basement price. Even if the wall hadn't been there, the new owners wouldn't have been able to enjoy the view ... all three of them are blind. Ma Hubbard now rents a council flat but has enough money to keep the cupboards stacked with bones for Terror.

Humpty's home is on the market, and the wall is due to come down next week. His family are currently engaged in a legal battle with council over the penalties incurred by the unpaid rates demand and the cost of wall demolition.

And they all lived happily ever after? Sound too far-fetched? Try living in my street! I could write a book. Till next week, lovely people. Waffle says Hi.