Chester Borrows: We cannot simply stand aside

Chester Borrows PHOTO/FILE

THIS week is White Ribbon Week when family violence is at the front of our minds as a country -- that is, as a society that should be concerned about the welfare of its people.

The fact is that family violence is at the front of a lot of people's minds because they are constantly under threat and, principally, from people they are supposed to love and to be loved by in return.

There is an old saying -- "We always hurt the ones we love" -- but this isn't hurt in a hurt feelings sense; this is hurt as in injure, maim, hospitalise and sometimes kill.

We still kill a child under 2 at a rate of one per month in a country we call Godzone. The killing is usually committed by people who are being paid via various methods to care and nurture those they kill.

This figure does not even count the deaths by drunken or drugged drivers or indirectly by people not belting their kids in to car seats before setting out. Or by children not wearing lifejackets on the water or left unsupervised near deep water.

I do not want to detract from the urgency of family violence and muddy the waters by talking about accidental or negligent deaths -- even though the result is the same and innocent lives are lost -- because the focus needs to be strongly on the fact that family violence is a crime.

I have noticed in recent weeks, though, that we mitigate that focus by allowing the spectre of family violence to become a joke.

I have caught myself doing this often and have surprised myself. I've talked about domestic arguments escalating; how a wife showing prowess at physical sports or activities should mean her husband better watch himself and such.

It gets a laugh, but nobody seriously believes I am encouraging domestic abuse and many would say I am being politically correct or far too sensitive, but the fact remains that as long as we weave endorsements of family violence in to our humour or our natural conversation for the purpose of humour, we are deadening the impact of gross violence.

Some of our legal systems and procedures have historically been set up to allow for mitigation of violence within families, and yet this is where it is at its most sinister because there is usually a lack of witnesses.

If there are witnesses in a family situation, there is usually a competing pressure to "keep it in the family" and for neighbours and extended family members not to interfere. But interfere we must.

The vulnerability of young people and others who suffer a huge power imbalance in relationships -- usually, but not always, women -- demands that witnesses step up and interfere.

If we let this habit of abuse continue in one family, the effect will devastate generations that follow.

We teach our girls it is OK to be beaten up every now and then and we teach our boys it is their right and privilege to do the beating.

It is common for people who do not experience violence to think it is not their problem or their business, but it is. We cannot wax lyrical about it taking a village to raise children if we are not prepared to be the villager ready to intervene when a child or vulnerable older person or beaten spouse needs our help.

I know from first-hand experience the shame of knowing that violence was occurring, and not having done enough -- though I'd done all within my authority of office -- to prevent people being badly hurt.

Sometimes the powers of a citizen acting from a sense of justice vastly outweighs the powers of agents of the government, public servants, courts, Uncle Tom Cobley and all who can say: "I don't have the authority to act."

If not you, then who? Family violence is a problem for us all.