Auckland, I've got answers

THE ENDLESS blathering on about Auckland's property woes is tedious beyond belief. It's almost as tedious as the endless blathering about Auckland's traffic woes.

But one thing at a time ... Getting back to the property thing, the problem - the functionaries tell us - is simply that demand exceeds supply. Ergo, prices rise and everyone goes off on a very expensive paper chase.

That's the market in action, we are told.

Well, if it's all that simple, then let's simply reduce demand for Auckland property. How? We simply reduce the number of people in Auckland. What could be simpler than that?

Somehow an underlying assumption has snuck in through the back door that the more people you have, the better economically it is for everyone.

Oh so, okay, if that's the case, how come New Zealand was in the top two or three of the standard-of-living charts for the world back in the 1960s, when we had half the population we have now? Answer me that please, esteemed functionaries, especially when we're now ranked about 46th along with Azerbaijan or whomever - if that's not an insult to Azerbaijan, equating them with us.

So if more people ain't the answer, the prospect of fewer people looks to be a good alternative.

At the moment, we have two broad types of people misguidedly looking to converge on Auckland. People from within the country and people from without. Let's go with the latter first - that's the easiest one.

Sorry, Auckland's full. We'd really like to accommodate all those with cheap 1 per cent money burning a hole in their pocket looking for quick killings and bolt holes, including those purchasing multiple properties and not even bothering to tenant them because rental income is just so much chicken-feed compared to capital gains. But we are absolutely chokka here.

Anywhere else in the country ... good as gold. Just not the Big Auk. So, no more abroad-type persons for the present, thanks - even if you have a couple of mill in your back pocket.

For present incumbents of this seriously dysfunctional megalopolis of ours, where major policy is rigorously drummed out on the conference table in the Ngati Whatua Room, the message is: "Stop excessively breeding."

One or two offspring is fine. Lovely. But stop there. Enough already. Sexually active couples need to either say "no" or get serious contraception. Men being useless, atavistic morons, women probably need to take the lead here.

That leaves those already in the country living elsewhere but, unwisely, wishing to relocate to Blues territory. Hopefully, the current house prices are enough of a disincentive but, for the determined ones, same applies kid-wise. Two max.

If you already have more than that, have the excess adopted out before you move. They'll thank you for it in later life.

So, with natural attrition, in a few years - and at absolutely no cost - property demand in the metropolis is slashed by 20 or 30 per cent, with the promise of future reductions.

Result? Joyously reducing house prices, with the added spectator sport of watching all the predator mortgagors squirm in anguish as their prey slide out from their Gordon Gekko graspings.

That's the property thing solved. As for the traffic - take a spare hour or two to sit in any one of the multiple Auckland gridlocks on offer.

First thing you notice is that 90 per cent of the vehicles have only one occupant.

New rule: No non-commercial vehicles to be permitted on main Auckland thoroughfares with fewer than two occupants - under pain of genital electrical stimulation.

It's all so simple when you know what you're doing.