A first-time parent’s guide to baby sleep - Whanganui Chronicle reporter Mike Tweed gets advice

"Morning Dad, did you sleep well?"

Convincing a baby to sleep is a challenge every new parent faces. Is it best to follow a strict routine or let your little one take the lead? Chronicle reporter Mike Tweed, who desperately needs a nap, shares his own experiences and seeks the advice of someone in the know.

Around 17 months ago my partner and I welcomed a baby boy into the world - a bundle of joy who was perfect in every way.

Well, in every way except one, for this little munchkin had an arch-nemesis. One whose grasp he tried harder and harder to evade.

Sleep.

Until that fateful day in 2022, it was something we took for granted. Go to bed at a time of our choosing, wake many hours later, repeat.

With the warnings of others ringing in our ears, we started our new life as frazzled, sleep-deprived parents.

My partner, heroic to a tee, battled a lack of breast milk day and night.

Unfortunately, her sidekick was not known for his practicality. Try as I might, I struggled to attach a tiny feeding tube to her breast and balance a pot of milk at the same time.

Our son must have been wondering what he’d got himself into.

It was like a general turning to their lieutenant before war and finding a court jester making origami out of the battle plans instead.

While it was tough, he slept okay in those first few months, wrapped up tight in a co-sleeper strapped to our bed.

He would wake and scream and wake and scream but every new parent goes through that.

As time went on, he slept for longer stretches and we even managed to introduce him to his cot.

Time for a reality check, courtesy of those who had been through it before.

“Oh, the routine changes all the time. When you think you’ve got it sorted, it all goes out the window.”

As if by some terrible black magic, the cot seemed to be our son’s most hated place, even though it was less than a metre away from our bed.

He would be fast asleep somewhere else, as peaceful as could be, but as soon as he was anywhere near the cot, an ear-splitting wail would ring out across Whanganui East.

According to Dr Dee Muller, a researcher at Massey University’s Sleep/Wake Research Centre, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all scenario for parents and caregivers when it comes to baby slumber.

“We can’t make ourselves or our children sleep,” she said.

“Our research has shown that parents can feel judged by health professionals, relatives and friends if their approach differs from that of others.

“What works best for one family - or one child within a family - won’t necessarily work for another family.”

I was the first to break in the cot battle. He would finally go to sleep as my work alarm went off. I just couldn’t take it any more.

Late one bleary evening, I gave in and let him drift off next to me in our bed.

According to the internet, I had committed a cardinal sin and he would never leave.

Plunket New Zealand says until a baby is 12 months old, they are vulnerable to SUDI (sudden unexpected death of an infant) during sleep and, if they are in bed with you, using a wahakura, Pēpi-pod, or similar safe sleep device will help reduce the risk.

It’s also important to make sure your baby has a sober parent/caregiver who is alert to their needs and free from alcohol or drugs - which we were.

A sleep-deprived father, his son and a giraffe.

“Not all families share a cultural or worldview that aligns with the often Western-based sleep advice that is provided,” Muller said.

“This can lead to feeling like they are not doing the right thing when provided with a checklist of what they should be doing, such as having your child sleep in their own room by themselves.

“There is no one right or wrong way of supporting children to sleep well, obviously with the important proviso that every sleep is a safe sleep for all babies and children.”

Our son was safe all right, very safe indeed. Before long, our bed was his and I was pushed to the periphery, desperately clinging to any inch of mattress I was allowed.

He also developed the habit of yanking his mother’s hair while he slept. A terrifying way to wake up, I can tell you.

Despite being more than a year old, he was no closer to transitioning into his own room.

It had been lovingly decorated by his mother, who spent hours painting pictures of foxes, squirrels and owls. There were toys, teddies, a mobile and books galore.

Eventually, the idea of “sleep training” was brought up. It had worked for some other parents we knew but involved hours of heartbreaking screaming from their little ones.

Basically, you dump your kid in the cot, shut the door and leave them to wail.

Our little guy had a set of lungs on him and stamina to boot. Before long, he was back safe and sound with a queen bed to himself.

That’s when you start questioning everything. What have we done wrong? Were we too easy on him? Should we just leave him to cry?

“There’s no one right time for your little one to move to their own room,” Muller said.

Phew.

“We can often feel judged by others about this but it is all about what is going to work best for you and your child.

“Rather than being a static state, child sleep is continually developing and changing – so it makes sense to continually adapt to the current needs of your child.

“This can get tricky when children are hitting times of transition, such as reducing from two naps to one, and can also be influenced by the practicalities of day-to-day life.”

She said for some families a regimented routine worked well and for others following the lead of your little one was the way to go.

“It is important to understand that children’s sleep develops over time in conjunction with other aspects of physical, mental and social development.

“How much sleep your child needs will change over time.”

As of now, the little guy is sleeping in his room. He might wake up once or twice a night but, more often than not, he’s straight back to sleep with no issues at all.

Guess who else is in there? Us.

It feels different though. We know he’s safe, happy and healthy and before long it’ll just be him with the foxes, owls and squirrels.

My advice? Don’t sweat the small stuff.

If other little bundles seem to be better at all this sleep business, that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with yours.

Soon it will be time for potty training. Maybe he’ll just plonk himself down first try but where’s the fun in that?

Mike Tweed is an assistant news director and multimedia journalist at the Whanganui Chronicle. Since starting in March 2020, he has dabbled in everything from sport to music. At present his focus is local government, primarily the Whanganui District Council.