10 questions to tell if you are an internet addict

Are you an online junkie? Take this test to find out.

By the time you read this, a monumental milestone will have been reached.

Always a self-confessed reluctant parent to three boys, I am now that same reluctant parent to three men. The clones turned 18 on Thursday and my first-born turns 19 today.

Despite my many threats to "off" them, they are still alive and kicking ... each other, in the twins case, but alive nevertheless.

When you have three kids in less than a year you seldom allow yourself the luxury of thinking you'll make it this far, with your sanity intact and, although my sanity is highly questionable, I feel a little celebration is in order.

I could treat myself to glass of a bubbles and a dozen Bluff oysters but, at today's prices, I would need to apply for a bank loan or start up my own page on some crowd-funding website. An extra buttery hot cross bun will have to suffice.

With this weekend being a long one, I thought I would do something a little different with my precious column inches and give you a fun, albeit completely unscientific, quiz complete with my own crazed theories and conclusions.

Are you an online junkie?

1. How many personal texts do you send in a day, on average?
A. None, I don't own a cellphone or I have a cellphone but I don't use it to text.
B. 15 or less.
C. I lose count. When it comes to texting my thumbs are like weapons of mass destruction.

2. Are you confident using a jpeg?
A. I've been doing laundry for years, I think I can manage.
B. Yes, I'm familiar with this attachment.
C. Pfft, I'm insulted that you even need to ask.

3. You're halfway to work when you realise you've left your selfie-stick at home. Do you? A. I don't even know what that is.
B. Keep going, I can manage without for one day.
C. Turn back immediately, it's become like an extension of me, that I can't possibly survive without.

4. You're enjoying a meal out. The waiter brings you a sexy-looking indulgent chocolate souffle. Do you?
A. Send it back, you ordered the sticky date pudding.
B. Tuck in and relish every mouthful.
C. Take a pic on your cellphone and immediately share it. Your "followers" hang off your every post.

5. How familiar are you with the cloud?
A. I certainly know the difference between my nimbus and cumulus.
B. I use it frequently to store my data.
C. Puuh-lease, Another question that I'm not even going to dignify with an answer.

6. How often do you post?
A. I mail the odd letter here and there, Christmas is a bit more hectic.
B. It varies. I post when I have something of significance to say.
C. I post non-stop. My mood, my status, I'm constantly updating all my "followers", "friends", and fellow twits.

7. Your internet and cellphone provider goes offline. Do you?
A. Carry on, oblivious. It doesn't affect you at all.
B. Find something else to do. It's a nuisance but it's not the end of the world.
C. Have a full-on panic attack/meltdown. Scream at the "internet gods" before shrinking into a corner with a paper bag on your head.

8. A friend calls you and invites you out for an impromptu coffee. Do you?
A. Accept, it will be great to catch up in person.
B. Tell them you're a little busy at the moment but make firm plans for the following day. C. Tell them flat out, no. You're far too busy on social media to bother with a face-to-face. Besides, you've become so light sensitive, you barely leave the house.

9. Which of the following best describes you?
A. I have a small circle of family and close friends.
B. I have a healthy mix of close friends and contacts.
C. I'm uber popular. I have thousands of friends and followers who just adore me. Check out my Facebook page.

10. Would you be interested in more quizzes in the future?
A. No, this was crap, but thanks for asking.
B. Sure, it was a bit of harmless fun.
C. Only if it's online.

If you answered mostly A the good news is you are not an internet junkie, but you may be shocked to learn that the world is not flat and women have the vote.

Dust off your landline and put out a call to the real world. Someone will pick you up and drive you out of the Dark Ages.

If you answered mostly B you seem to have struck a good balance. You're completely comfortable in this digital age without taking it to extremes but still appreciate the importance of living in the real world. Well done you.

If you answered mostly C you need to update your status to junkie now. Such is your addiction, if you haven't already, you may want to install a hands-free device in your toilet so you can Skype and wipe.

You may also want to consider an insurance policy for your texting thumbs. When you post news and pics of your DVT (deep vein thrombosis) it will be interesting to see how many of your "friends" come and visit. The only thing in the cloud is your over-inflated ego. I know where I'd like put your selfie-stick. You might want to Google the phrase: physical human contact. Get offline and in touch with reality.

As always, smile loudly and have a safe and happy Easter.

-Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three (adults), running amok in the city and can be contacted at investik8@gmail.com