Next we have a bolshy, hormonal hulk with incredible natural strength and a temper as short as John Banks' memory. Lastly, there is an undesirable smart ass, quick-witted and lazy beyond belief, this model is sure to have the last word. Please note: Life forms two and three can be traded separately or as an identical pair for anyone keen on double the misery. All three come with huge appetites, a sense of entitlement and a free set of steak knives.
I'd offer free delivery if I could, but the whole car situation has made that a tad difficult. Let a life form transform your life in an instant. Please note that I do operate on a "No Returns" policy.
Then as if the car and the life forms weren't enough to contend with Waffle brought shame to the family and in doing so, brought himself to the attention of Animal Control when the hole he'd dug (presumably to China) resulted in a destination somewhat closer to home, but nevertheless rendered him AWOL for a few days. Five long days he was gone, no note, no clue as to where he was or why he left. I was frantic with worry, he didn't call, text or email.
I wondered momentarily if he had accidentally fallen into the Bermuda Triangle (my handbag) and was struggling to locate an emergency exit, but realised that with Waffle being a large dog, I would, in all probability, not be able to carry the handbag if he was indeed lost in there.
If only I had made the effort to microchip the mutt, at least I would know if he was alive.
My mind was more chaotic than usual. We'd never had the stranger danger talk so he could have gone off with anyone.
He could have buckled under peer pressure and joined the local pack, just to fit in. Some bitch might try to trap him by spitting out litter after litter when he is barely beyond a puppy himself. .
There were other scenarios that had to be considered, like dog fighting and animal cruelty.
With each passing day my heart sank a little deeper, meanwhile the felines had never had things so good. Life without Waffle was agreeing with them. It meant an end to him always sticking his nose into their business.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it's five days later and I had all but resigned myself to a Waffle-less life, when at 2.30am I'm awoken by a life form shouting out that Waffle has appeared at his window. A flurry of activity ensues. He is thin but not quite as bad as I had imagined. There are no physical signs of injury but he literally smells like crap. We feed and water him and in no time he collapses in a heap, exhausted.
As smelly as he is, it's nice to have him with me again, but we won't be spooning until he has had a bubble bath.
Not surprisingly, the felines have all gone into a deep decline, some may even require professional help to get over the trauma. Waffle on the other hand is oblivious to their dismay and still thinks they are all great mates. He's one large lovable lump of uselessness, but he's mine and I wouldn't have him any other way, (unlike the life forms).
So ... do I feel better for having shared my problems? In a word, yes. Has it been halved? That's a little harder to evaluate. The car is still wholly stuffed, the three life forms haven't suddenly become one and a half, and Waffle and I still need to have that chat. But overall, I do feel a sense of relief.
My apologies if I bored you senseless, but I'm more than happy to return the favour. You are invited to off load on me any time you like. You can email me at investik8@gmail.com, especially if you have an interest in life forms.
Catch you next week peeps, must dash, I have a bus to catch.
