OPINION: A star cross'd tale if ever I heard one

DEAR Agony Uncle,
I need some advice. I've kinda like got this thing going with this dude. He's cute and funny. He does crazy stuff. I txted him saying wr4artthou. Next thing he's at my parents' house, standing under the balcony singing to me, reading poetry and stuff. I am in love - I think - although I'm not sure. The big problem is that his family and mine - we don't get on. Apparently something happened years back and we don't speak to them anymore. If my parents find out I am seeing him, I will be grounded for months and that would drive me nuts. What should I do? Signed J.
Dear J,
Tricky question. You say you think you might be in love. What do you know about this boy? Is he a stalker? Does he realise that standing in people's gardens singing up at balconies might get him arrested? Does he have tattoos? Does he have any criminal convictions? Does he have his criminal convictions tattooed on his back? If you ticked all three of those, I would ditch him el pronto as it is bound to end badly for you.
Regards Agony Uncle
Dear Agony Uncle,
I have been thinking about what you said about the tattoos and balcony stuff. He has a great voice and I know he will be famous one day. It's soooo romantic and special. If my Mum and Dad find out he's coming round, standing in the petunias and singing he will be in so much trouble. His Dad has been giving him heaps about doing his homework, sticking with school, getting a good job and all that stuff, so my boyfriend and I are thinking about running away together. We have decided to change our names and get married in secret. We have even chosen our new names. I am going to be Jandela (like jandal but more cuter) and he's going to be aka CPU. (He's into computers) There's this monk guy who is celibate. He understands us and has offered to help. There's a complicated plan which involves pretending and stuff so it will be fun.
Signed J.
PS: Celibacy sounds cool - what is it?
Dear Agony Uncle,
Dude I am having a whole heap of hassles 'cos of this chick I am seeing. She is very cool but her family is wickedly off side with my lot. I met some of her cousins in the street the other day and they were not friendly. There was swords and fighting. There was swashbuckling and mayhem and people got hurt. It was not good. They probably think I don't care, but I am a sensitive guy and only carry a sword for protection. We have talked about changing our names and running away together. A monk guy who understands young people has offered to help us.
Signed R.
Dear R
Family feuds can be ugly but sword fighting is a whole other level. It all sounds dangerously sharp and pointy to me. I think you should forget the girl, stay in school, keep out of trouble and get on with your life. Taking advice on love from a celibate monk is not always helpful. All that drama might be good in a play or a book but the idea of running away together, and the play-acting involved, sounds like a tragedy waiting to happen.
Regards, Agony Uncle.
Terry Sarten lives in Whanganui and describes himself as a parent, musician, social worker and writer. Email: tgs@inspire.net.nz