Welcome to my column. The author would like to advise readers that, at the time of writing, the contents were completely free of botulism and therefore deemed safe for human consumption.
It may, however, contain trace amounts of Waffle drool, but these are not considered hazardous to your health.
The GCSB has also given it the once over and will agree that the brutal conditions in which I forcibly detain the lifeforms, though somewhat disturbing, do not in any way resemble a terrorist training camp and hence I do not pose a threat to national security.
I did, however, receive Waffle's new registration tag via snail mail and I can't help but wonder if maybe it houses some sinister hi-tech spy device that will monitor my every move as Waffle devotedly shadows me.
Speaking of shadows, the biggest news story of the week has been overshadowed by "ContamiGATE". I am, of course, referring to the much anticipated naming of the next Dr Who - so aptly named as I have no idea who the hell the successor is.
The upcoming local body elections are appropriately named, bearing in mind that at the end of it there will be an actual body count. The question is: how many?
This is our chance to legally partake in a killing of sorts. There will be the usual inquiries made and some cases may even be referred to the coroner for an inquest, but when all is said and done and the crime scene tape has been removed from the city limits, the COD (cause of demise) in nearly all cases, will be ruled as suicide ... political suicide.
Some may willingly jump to their death - a graceful free fall as they pull themselves out of the running, self-respect intact - others, I fear, will meet a much messier end. I'm predicting a few bodies will be dragged from the sewerage pond, and many of us might think this fitting as our city battles against drowning in debt due to some crappy decisions.
One or two could be discovered crushed in the rubble of our earthquake-prone buildings, which have - surprise, surprise - remained upright despite the recent activity. Others may be flattened by the sheer weight of their guilty consciences, brought on by poor decision-making.
If a forensic accountant was bought in to examine the scene, the perceived misuse of ratepayer funds would be a contributing factor to several seeking re-election. When the numbers don't add up, it's time to bring them down.
Those who choose not to jump will have to be "pushed", and this is where we get to play our part.
Although there will be many hoping to inflict that final fatal blow, let us try and keep the bloodshed to a minimum - we are hardly in the position to afford a costly clean-up.
Over the next few weeks, it will be our responsibility to serve as a giant jury as we wade through reams of policy, justification and evidence. There will be alibis and lies, and red herrings will be planted to throw us off the scent. There will be much finger-pointing and back tracking, and some may even pull out the old amnesia card - but unless they can produce a doctor's certificate, do not fall for this ploy.
Taking the stand, we will also see newcomers ... fresh faces, new blood. Pay attention to their testimony as not many are brave enough to put themselves forward. Listen carefully to all they have to say before retiring to consider your verdict.
It will be a long time before we get to play executioner again, so it is vital that we wield our axes wisely.
Please keep the feedback coming. It's always welcome - email@example.com - and, as always, smile loudly. And Waffle sends hugs.