Who says we all have to do Christmas the same old way year after year? Here’s a user’s guide to creating some new traditions. By Paul Little.
Christmas, like any other special occasion, has been affected by the Covid-19 pandemic, social media and the cost-of-living crisis. These and other pressures have changed the way we celebrate whatever it is we personally celebrate on December 25. But, whether an enthusiastic shopper or anti-consumer activist, a Christian or a devout non-believer, a loner or fanatically family-focused, you almost certainly still acknowledge the holiday – a word, it is worth remembering, that comes from the Old English “haligaeg”, meaning holy day.
Fortunately, the festival is flexible enough to accommodate every persuasion and move with the times, no matter how turbulent they may be.
Dreaming of a rite Christmas
One of the reasons nearly everyone does Christmas, as Brigitte Bönisch-Brednich, professor in the School of Social and Cultural Studies at Victoria University of Wellington Te Herenga Waka, explains, is that we need rituals to structure our lives, and Christmas is a super-ritual.
She says, “It has nearly all the elements we need in a fully developed ritual: gift giving, relationships and the reassuring of these relationships, of belonging to a family, to a nation, to an ethnicity and to a faith.”
Which explains why, for instance, families whose members have almost no contact during the year will see each other at Christmas. And why some of those ritual elements are beyond criticism, such as the charge that gift giving is no more than a marketing-driven moneymaker for businesses. “Gift giving is actually really important, because gift giving is something where you reassure yourself and each other of your close relationships.”
Yet we are seeing less of the one-size-fits-all Christmas structure of days gone by: kids and presents under a tree in the morning, big midday meal with one side of the family sitting down together after exchanging presents, big evening meal with the other side of the family sitting down together after exchanging presents.
Is it okay to alter the rituals? “You should put people’s well-being first and not force them to do something that might be painful,” says Bönisch-Brednich. “There are personalities who really have to stick to the prescribed elements and the sequences. But there are also a lot of people who enjoy experiments. That gives more freedom for doing it in a way that suits your personality.”
We can even celebrate togetherness without being together. “We learnt a lot during Covid. You can cook the same dish in different households, and then have a Zoom session eating as if you are at dinner together. We might still miss the hugs, but that feeling of togetherness is [still there].”
Oh, come off it, all ye faithful
Monsignor Bernard Kiely is vicar-general of the Catholic diocese of Auckland and parish priest at Good Shepherd Church in the suburb of Balmoral. Despite his religion’s rather stuffy reputation, he is an enthusiast for seeing Christmas traditions evolve.
“The biggest change in terms of Mass attendance in recent years is the provision of children’s Masses on Christmas Eve,” says Kiely. “We have a five o’clock vigil Mass. People come from all over and I love the informality of it. There will always be a presentation of the Christmas story, and kids come dressed up as angels and shepherds. It’s a great celebration.”
Many attendees bring hampers and follow the vigil with picnics on the lawn beside the church. “It’s a good way of catching up with other families without getting too complicated.”
Balmoral is a typical multicultural parish, catering for all parishioner demographics. This year, “I think the Samoans are scheduled to lead Mass on Christmas Day and I think the Tongan choir will do midnight Mass”.
Kiely says the virtue of these variations on the Christmas theme is that they can accommodate both “big-T tradition” – the liturgical faith cycle – and “little-t tradition”, which is what families practise themselves.
It feels like it could be Christmas every day
Meanwhile, the planet is on fire, there’s still too much plastic packaging and the parking at the mall is a nightmare – there are so many good reasons to bemoan the consumerist tradition of Christmas.
But, according to Michael Lee, associate professor of marketing at the University of Auckland, it’s easier to be anti-consumerism if you’re already enjoying the benefits of privilege.
“Anyone below a certain income level won’t be in a position to think about simplifying their Christmas practices, because they are looking to experience the traditional gift-giving bonanza that they’ve seen in the media with people they envy,” says Lee. “They’re still striving.”
More-privileged folk with “high levels of consumer well-being” are in a better position to say no to consumption because their needs are met in other ways.
To paraphrase: Lee says people who feel good don’t need to shop to feel better, but “if you’re in a stressed state and low on consumer well-being to begin with, the system is set up so it’s difficult to make the right choice”.
This is why, when we are feeling under pressure, our bad habits gain the upper hand. We scoff some takeaways instead of buying and preparing healthy food, or buy a cheap, tacky gift rather than selecting an especially meaningful present.
Technology also boosts consumerism. For example, there’s no more waiting in line for that photo with Santa. Put your name down and the mall will send a notification to your phone when it’s your turn. You don’t have to pause shopping for even a moment. Lee says this has benefits for both you (no standing in line) as well as the store (no interruption to the money-extraction process).
But he also notes: “As technology becomes more pervasive and things become more convenient, our ability to withstand inconvenience diminishes, so we get into the cycle where we want everything now.” The companies that don’t provide that will suffer.
Discounts merrily on high
Some shops close at 7pm on Christmas Eve and open again at 8am on Boxing Day, but Retail NZ chief executive Greg Harford doesn’t think many people have to be at work late on one and early on the other. However, he admits some do, and that “the shopping season has become a lot more elongated”. We even have new days on which to shop: Black Friday and Cyber Monday are now a standard part of the retail calendar.
And we just love stuff, whatever the reason. “It’s not necessarily about Christmas, but it’s about summer. People are not necessarily buying presents. They’re gearing themselves up for a summer of entertainment, so they will be buying hampers and outdoor furniture. A lot of treating of yourself goes on, because it’s a good time of year to do it.”
Some people leave Christmas shopping until the last minute, whereas others get it done in October. Either way, stores are ready for them. “We think of September as the semi-official start of the Christmas shopping season as people start to get geared up for it.”
Harford sounds a timely warning: “It’s not just about getting people to make purchases, it’s about encouraging consumers to think about Christmas and start planning so that they can be aware of what’s going on and what they’re looking for. It’s always a good idea to shop early if you can. There could be some individual products that might not be available if you wait until the last minute.”
But Bernard Kiely is nonplussed by such enthusiastic shoppers: “Whether or not you’re religious, just pressing the spacebar in life and not having shops open doesn’t do us any harm. Why would you go shopping on Boxing Day? Why would you do that to yourself? I mean, really? For your mental health?”
The worst noel
Unwrap any Christmas tradition – from attending a church service, to buying presents, to the groaning dinner table – and you will find a focus on family and spending time with them. Like it or not.
With society increasingly polarised around all sorts of issues, from vaccination to climate change, the chances of a Christmas Day ding-dong that is not just the jingling of bells are high. This is the one special day when we’re reminded why we avoid some family members for the other 364.
Kirsty Ross, senior lecturer in clinical psychology at Massey University, has advice on how to keep seasonal stoushes to a minimum. First, if there is likely to be someone in attendance who is “really emotionally harmful to you … people do need to give themselves permission to [opt out]”. That might mean making alternative arrangements to see the people you really do want to see.
Humour can also be used to reduce stress and conflict, if only by brushing off Uncle Bob’s inappropriate comment as “just Uncle Bob being Uncle Bob”.
Ross says it’s important to do more than just go through the Christmas motions. “Really think about what are you doing and what is it that’s important to you about this occasion. Food at Christmas is important, but you don’t have to be a slave in the kitchen all day, and then feel resentful that you’ve done that and didn’t really get to talk to anyone.” It’s okay to ask people to bring a plate so that everyone gets to spend time together and enjoy each other’s company.
If you get to the point where vaccinated you and anti-vax sister-in-law are sitting down together, you can plan to avoid extreme disruptions.
“Try and find the common ground,” says Ross. “If I was someone who vaccinated my children, and my sister didn’t, rather than having an argument about I’m right and she’s wrong, we can both agree that we are really loving mums who are making decisions because we love our children, and we’re trying to protect them the best way we can. So, there’s a common ground.”
The pumice and the ivy
How do you make your festive table TikTok-ready and Instagrammable? Social media has packed traditional Christmas decorations into a box in the garage and replaced them with new favourites.
Lizz Santos runs The Christmas Decorators, which specialises in trees for mainly corporate clients but also about a dozen private ones who can pay from $775 (delivered and installed) to hire one of her personalised products.
Hot trends at the moment, according to Santos: Kiwiana and using pumice and raffia instead of baubles and tinsel.
“We use a lot of local designers and artists and we get their work printed on decorations. There is more and more call for something that has a Māori flavour to it. And we use New Zealand birds as inspiration – we’ve got these beautiful tūī that fit on the top of our tree.”
Interior designer Shelley Ferguson went with a disco-ball theme for her own home last Christmas, but is well-informed on other trends.
“I’ve been to a couple of showings recently where clients were being shown whole collections of decorations and they’ve wanted my help to select a theme,” says Ferguson. “There’s a traditional theme, there’s a white snowy theme, there’s a glamorous theme, and then there’s a summery, more colourful theme.”
Social media is an important part of her work toolkit, and she has clear guidelines eschewing showy, shiny, staged shots in favour of “things that are going to help people rather than being all about expensive gifting. You don’t have to show a big image of a perfect room. You can show a beautiful mug or your favourite drink that you made.”
In other words, whatever you’re doing, however you’re celebrating your Christmas, follow the KISS edict – the one rule that cuts across all trends and traditions is to do yourself a favour and Keep It Simple, Santa.