“So I think, mental health is just a part of the spectrum.
“Anxiety and depression is something kids are going to experience a lot because it’s a natural part of being a human.
“To know how to deal with that, how to respond to that, how to make your children more resilient, I think that’s really what parents want.”
Mr Wallis said when he talked about understanding teenage brain he looked at the effects of alcohol and drugs.
He said parents wanted to put their children at least risk as possible. Most tried to protect their child and make decisions for them, “which causes more harm than good”.
“If you want your children to become good decision makers, they have to practise making decisions. We see the kids who get the best outcome come from what we call the backbone style of parenting.”
Mr Wallis talked about three types of parenting — brick wall (be quiet and do as you are told), jelly fish (let’s just try and be friends, few boundaries) and backbone (flexible like a backbone but still gives structure).
The fact that teenage brains don’t work as adults understand it, was what made it frustrating for parents.
“You have four brains inside your head. The top brain, number four (frontal cortex) controls the executive functions, all the things such as controlling your emotions, seeing things from other people’s point of view, being rational, remembering your PE gear and lunch, all of those good behaviours. Basically that brain shuts down for renovations, around about the middle of adolescence.
“Your nine year old controls their emotions better than the 16 year old. Nine year olds don’t have an adult brain but their frontal cortex hasn’t shut for renovations yet, whereas the 16 year old’s cortex is shut for 90 percent of the time, hence their emotions are left to soar.
“That’s a reason why teenagers have massive rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide, because the brakes are on their frontal cortex.
Mr Wallis said the shut down happened for the brain to rewire itself for maturation which takes three years. But if the brain doesn’t “shut down” it could take up to 40 years.
“During this time, teenagers are immersed in their emotional brain, which is primarily concerned with how things feel, not with how things actually are, or how you think.”
Mr Wallis said a lot of parents assumed there was a trick to have a teenage child listen to them. But it’s all about role modelling.
“If you’re constantly telling them what they should be doing, then they’ll think you’re nagging them.
“If you want your children to listen to you, then you’ve got to listen to them, children do as you do, not as you say.”
Mr Wallis said talking to your children about the use of drugs and alcohol could be difficult if clear boundaries are not set.
“It’s about having your children’s respect in a non-abusive and non-violent way.
“If it’s not OK to put your wife in time out, it’s not OK to put your child in time out.
“Put clear boundaries in place, with support.”
Mr Wallis told the audience about a New Year’s eve in Wanaka, “when everyone was getting drunk”
“My son (14-15 years of age) went out with his mates, and he didn’t even ask me to get alcohol because he just knew, that there would not be a consideration from me because he knew those boundaries.
“I think the reason he respected those was because of a nurturing father, who is always there and meeting his needs and I don’t bully and curse him.
“He has grown up and no, he is not lazy, he’s actually the opposite. He’s used to growing up in a clean house and now that he is an adult he keeps the house clean.
“If you get into a conflictual relationship where you’re standing over them, trying to bully them, they lose respect for you, and then you’ve lost your main power base.”
Mr Wallis said parents should balance their own expectations of their teenage children.
“Adolescence is a tough time, and you are not shaping your child’s work ethic or who they are at adolescence, it was done far earlier during the first thousand days when you build their brain. You’ve got until 11 years of age to influence their character and values. After that you just have to live with them.
“Don’t make it difficult by trying to put in place a work ethic, and fight the natural process of adolescence. Focus on the quality of the relationship and all will fall into place.”
Mr Wallis said all children were neuro-diverse, it was a part of being a human. Instead of labelling children based on where they fell on “the spectrum”, parents must encourage their child’s potential.
“That spectrum is a human spectrum, it’s relevant to all of us. If you’re at an extreme end of it you might call it autism but it doesn’t mean the spectrum is irrelvant to the person who doesn’t have autism. It’s still relevant to you because it’s a human trait,
Mr Wallis said he had ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) which meant he was “neuro-atypical”.
“I have never seen it as a disability. For me it’s a superpower. I know how to manage it as an adult.
“There was a problem at school when I was expected to be quiet, stay still, sit in a class with 30 other people and just do as I was told. It didn’t work very well with ADHD which made it hard for me to manage it.
“I often say to people with ADHD, it is up to them to make it a superpower or a disability through self-control. If the child has self-control, then ADHD is a superpower.”
Mr Wallis said the workshop at Boys’ High was as much for educators — for its academic value and practical skills when interacting with teenagers — as for parents.
“I think they’ll get pretty much the same thing that parents will get because in lots of ways teachers are being their parent during the day (six hours). It all goes down to communication.
Mr Wallis said many people had contacted him on social media, asking him to come to Gisborne.
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Mr Wallis said the concern should not be about changing one’s child’s behaviour, it should be about changing how one reacts.
“Parents often come along wanting to learn how to get their teenager to do something. They think the answer is some special way but there’s no special way.
“If you change what you are doing, they will change their response to it.”
