Old is an M Night Shyamalan film so you know the premise will be clever and provocative. And frankly, we're a captive audience.
It has been a difficult year and we could all use two hours on a beautiful beach, even if it is virtual. Just give us a few meaty characters we can root for, a modicum of backstory to make us care, and decent dialogue to move things along. Not much to ask, right?
The characters are quirky, but not necessarily in a good way — in an annoying, instantly tedious, I-dare-you-to-care-about-me way.
The kids are nice enough but each adult is more exasperating than the next.
It's perhaps not their fault. The dialogue is often cartoonishly clumsy. You'll surely find yourself belly-laughing several times, only to sheepishly remind yourself this isn't a comedy.
Prisca and Guy are vacationing with their kids, Trent, 6, and Maddox, 10.
Guy (Gael Garcia Bernal) is an anxious insurance actuary, constantly spouting stats on how people die in accidents. Prisca (Vicky Krieps) is a museum curator, clearly holding back a secret. There are marital troubles, perfunctorily established in an early scene where the couple argues, kids listening in.
“You're always thinking of the future!” Prisca yells. “It makes me feel not seen!”
“You're always thinking of the past!” Guy responds.
The next day they're offered a tantalising opportunity by the creepy resort manager, a trip to a secluded beach on a nature preserve, surrounded by cliffs.
Soon they are off in a hotel van (driven by Shyamalan himself) along with another family: Charles, an imperious doctor (Rufus Sewell), Chrystal, his young, beauty-obsessed wife (Abbey Lee), their young daughter and the doctor's older mother.
On the beach things quickly turn weird.
Maddox recognises a well-known rapper named Mid-Sized Sedan (Aaron Pierre), sitting dazed in the distance.
Trent goes swimming, only to confront the floating corpse of a woman, who had recently been spending time with the rapper.
The group tries to call for help but there's no signal.
Two new guests arrive — Patricia (Nikki Amuka-Bird), a therapist who suffers epileptic seizures, and her husband Jarin (Ken Leung), a nurse.
But all this turbulence pales against what's suddenly happening to everyone: They're aging. Rapidly.
It's more visible with the kids, who suddenly go from school-aged to teenagers (Alex Wolff and New Zealand's own Thomasin McKenzie).
Panic sets in and there's no way out. When anyone tries to leave something attacks their brain and they black out.
What's happening? The group calculates that a half-hour on that beach equals a year of life. Obviously people will die. The only question is who goes first.
Of course, it all comes down to a Shyamalan-style final twist — the most entertaining part of the film, but it comes way, way too late.
By the time we are allowed in on the secret here we're feeling a bit tired. And maybe for good reason. This film lasts an hour and 48 minutes. So, just a warning, by the end you will be four years older.
Old, a Universal release, has been rated M “for strong violence, disturbing images, suggestive content, partial nudity and brief strong language”. Running time: 108 minutes. Two stars out of four.
