Disillusioned by dating apps, Bay of Plenty singleton Matt Cobb has launched speed dating events and plans to offer double and blind dates involving matchmaking; Married at First Sight NZ expert Jo Robertson reflects on the show and shares her dating tips.
Singleton Matt Cobb was left digitally fatigued by dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, prompting him to go old-school and launch a mix of in-person dating events.
Three months ago, the entrepreneur launched speed dating events at Mount Maunganui through his community events business, Whatever Company.
The events, run in age groups up to 50-plus, have been well received, prompting him to consider expanding them throughout the Bay and beyond and introducing new offerings, such as replacing the concept of TV Three’s Married at First Sight with Dating at First Sight, ie matchmade blind dates.
He also hopes to run double “Dates with Mates”, where two single friends can support each other in meeting other single duos for activities like mini golf.
He says having a natural way to meet people rehumanises them rather than hours spent on-screen stacking matches, messaging back and forth and planning to meet people who seem promising but aren’t — or ghost you (the popular term for cutting off all communication without explanation), and leave you with self-doubt.
He’s been single for three years and is often ghosted on dating apps once he shares that he is a 30-year-old dad of three.
“In my age bracket, people aren’t having kids as young anymore. It has been quite tricky,” he says.
AI and fake pick-up lines
Since their launch over a decade ago, dating apps have built an industry worth more than $7.5 billion worldwide, but there is growing ambivalence towards them.
Scams and artificial intelligence have also become pervasive in dating apps.
Norton, the global leader in cyber safety, released data this year showing New Zealand online daters spend an average of about four hours a week on dating apps and services.
Interestingly, 51 per cent of Kiwis using an online dating app or service are interested in using AI as their “dating coach”. Fifty-five per cent are keen to use AI to write pick-up lines or conversation starters, 52 per cent to develop dating app profiles and, alarmingly, 42 per cent in photo enhancement.
Additionally, 28 per cent of people using a dating app say a scam has targeted them, and 24 per cent have been catfished. Norton offers a free AI-powered scam detection app called Genie that can check whether messages, social media posts, emails and websites are scams.
Further data showed that 29 per cent of Kiwi men prefer to meet a potential partner online, while only 14 per cent of women do.
In-person intros are more organic
Kaleena Friend founded the Facebook group Papamoa/Mount/Tauranga Singles 30-60 in 2018 because people were souring on the apps as early as then.
The group is still running, with nearly 1000 members.
She says dating apps create a situation where there is so much choice among the hundreds of profiles that people are quickly replaced.
“Half the people there don’t want anything serious; they just want some fun,” she says.
The Facebook group, which she’s since exited after meeting a partner, had one rule: users weren’t to jump into other members’ DMs. They had to come to a group meet-up and genuinely connect with the person first.
She says meeting in a group helps shyness and social isolation and allows relationships to evolve organically.
Let passion outweigh the fear of rejection
Married at First Sight NZ sex therapist Jo Robertson says she has many clients for whom online dating has been successful.
However, from a sexual violence perspective, she discourages a sexual encounter with an online connection straightaway.
“So much non-consensual sex happens from dating apps, and [at] high levels if it’s the first time that they’ve met. If you are a woman, never go home alone with somebody you have just met online.”
She says it takes at least two times to start getting to know someone, and in an ideal world, they’d also meet someone you know so you can get a second opinion.
“For lots of people, taking their clothes off and giving their body to another person creates a high level of attachment and vulnerability. If you are looking for something long-term [waiting] is a key sign that somebody is in for the person instead of the body. Slow it down.”
Robertson says dating today requires courage. “People are terrified at the moment about rejection, and it’s quite disruptive to relationship building.”
While only one of the five couples on MAFS NZ this year initially found romance, Robertson says participants learned much about themselves, including owning their failings and that they could do better in relationships “no matter the outcome”.
Earlier this week, the only couple to declare “I love you” in their final vows, James Hunt and Samantha Best, announced their split. They cited mainly the distance and pressure that came with Hunt having to relocate from Christchurch to Auckland, where Best lives with her 6-year-old son Kaelin.
Robertson says her heart goes out to the pair, who worked “so hard on their barriers, but eventually it became too hard”.
“Lots of love to them in what I’m sure is a grieving time,” she says.
As for the other couples, Robertson says two significant factors led to a lack of romance on the show despite the “complicated” process of matching participants on paper.
The first was that the experts couldn’t predict chemistry and attraction, and the second was that it’s easy to leave someone when there isn’t much to lose, such as shared friendships, children and property.
Despite some of the matches surprising viewers due to age gaps or personality, she believes some things could have connected them, but ultimately, chemistry took over.
“I’d never seen attractions and chemistry play out so tangibly. They talked about how they got a sense of whether that was someone they had chemistry with within the first few seconds. That shows the real individuality there.”
And while sexual chemistry doesn’t need to be immediate, a couple must feel it growing for a relationship to bloom.
Mutual matches; playing Cupid
Cobb has yet to determine how to match singles for his blind dates, but he believes it’s worth the effort trying. Making decisions based on a handful of photos and sentences online has become tiring for many.
To go on blind dates, participants will subscribe monthly to Whatever Company and set up a profile of themselves and what they want in a partner. Then Cobb and his helpers will play Cupid. The subscription will pre-pay dates at local establishments, so there’s no expectation of who’s settling the bill. Dates will be capped at 45 minutes to an hour, so participants aren’t trapped if the date isn’t going well.
Alternatively, singles can attend his speed date events and chat one-on-one for three to five minutes, depending on the number of attendees. The person they’ve just had a speed date with is only told it’s a mutual match if they rate each other favourably. If the vibe is negative, neither person’s rating is disclosed to the other.
Face to face, you feel energy, vibe
Robertson says dating may have become harder because people are dating later in life and no longer grow alongside a partner.
“They hope to meet someone who has grown at that same level but not in a relationship with them.”
Those who are older also have more non-negotiables, and while that’s okay, the “pool shrinks quite a lot” when you do.
Cobb says part of his reason for setting up dating events is, like MAFS NZ, in-person commitment shows a person is serious.
“The difference between speed dating and the apps is when you’re sitting across from someone, you can feel their energy and the vibe. You let a lot of walls down when you do that, whereas if it’s a face on a screen, you can easily say no. A profile with some writing doesn’t help you know the person.”
- Whatever Company’s upcoming speed dating events are on July 16 (25-35 age group) at The Pizza Library in Mount Maunganui. Tickets are $59.90, which includes a welcome drink and pizza. The 35-45 age group event will be held on July 30 at Mount RSA, Mount Maunganui. Tickets are $38.36. Prices include booking fees. A 45-55 event will be held at a later time. Go to: whatevercompany.eventbrite.com
Carly Gibbs is a weekend magazine writer for the Bay of Plenty Times and Rotorua Daily Post and has been a journalist for two decades. She is a former news and feature writer, for which she’s been both an awards finalist and winner.