Kelly is 44 years old. Simon is 47. She says distance has been the biggest test of the relationship so far. "At first it was very hard. There was a lot of blame, and we're really solid in our marriage and never had issues or argued. But he felt lucky because I had the kids all the time and he was resentful because he didn't have the kids."
Kelly has leant on friends, family and her social network for support and distraction. She says at times, having Simon home was challenging. She'd parent her way. He'd want to parent his. "I'd say, 'You haven't seen them [the children] for six weeks, don't growl them.' It was a real period of adjustment. I questioned whether I loved him or not. It wasn't until Christmas time when we spent time together again, and we decided we love each other; we just needed more time together."
She and her husband respect each other's roles. "We've learned we've both got it hard ... We've accepted no one's got it any better or any worse."
Papamoa's James Tubbs says he's been commuting to work each week for five years out of the last six-and-a-half (his wife, Laurie says it's been eight years). The self-employed insurance loss adjuster says contracting pays double what he'd make at a local company.
He often flies home on weekends from Christchurch or elsewhere, but has previously remained away for a month. He says, "When I first went down after Christchurch quakes, I was on the phone to someone at 11:30 or 12 o'clock on a Sunday and I was on the 3 o'clock plane out. I didn't come back for four weeks."
His wife and three children (now ages 18, 21 and 23) were left without him. The couple's oldest son has Tourette syndrome, and James says managing his exit from college during Year 12 was something Laurie had to handle. "She often says she's been a single mum the last six years."
Laurie and James are both 59 years old. They've been married 26 years. Laurie tells me once James started commuting, she channelled her energies into the children. "I just turned my focus to making sure my kids had a stable upbringing, like a solo parent. You're the one who takes them to all the sports days, teacher interviews."
She laughs as she remembers flying to be with her husband for a special weekend. "He'd bought a gift, and we went out for a meal because it was our anniversary, and I'd completely forgotten about it."
Coping
Commuter couples say regular communication and trust are critical. Kelly Faile encourages nightly video chats between Simon and the children, and she often talks to her husband several times daily. She doesn't question his fidelity. "He's living in a house with a gorgeous Irish au pair. I have complete trust in him. I can't imagine it working if you weren't in a relationship without 100 per cent trust and love. It would play on your mind constantly."
James Tubbs says he and his wife talk daily, then unload to each other when he comes home. "You have to get to know each other a little bit again."
Laurie says she draws strength from her friends and her own capacity to manage a house and three children. She's also learned what keeps the marriage healthy. "Our relationship exists a great deal on humour. We spend a great deal of time laughing at each other and with each other."
Therapist Mary Hodson says her best advice for people in distance relationships is to sit face-to-face via video conference (such as Skype) 45 minutes each day. "Really talk about what's going on in life, then the rest of the time talk about things - not just hashing over old problems - and keep the conversation going."
Mary says research shows eye gaze is very important. "It gets harder and harder to talk on the phone to somebody you're so distanced from in kilometres, so you gradually lose the emotional connection you have."
The Sex Therapy New Zealand counsellor cautions against using pornography as a sexual substitute, saying it can be addictive. "Talk about it together, how each one is going to meet their own sexual needs."
She encourages keeping things as normal as possible, rather than sightseeing when the home spouse visits the commuter. "It's better to spend time together, face-to-face, one-to-one and make sure you have alone time when you can engage emotionally and sexually."
Starting the Journey
The crying woman at the beginning of this story was me. The kids are my children. The man leaving is my husband, Pete. After training for years to become a pilot, Pete's quest to re-enter his previous occupation, flight instructing, stalled within New Zealand. He accepted an offer to work at a flight school for six months in Fiji. We miss him. We're hoping the new job will one day allow him to do work he loves while living with the people he loves, too.
Hope on the Horizon? The Business Case for Higher Salaries
Priority One Projects Manager Annie Hill says because the local business environment is relatively small compared to Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch, there's not a range of jobs available, and employers can sometimes offset higher salaries against lifestyle and lower cost of living. "However, the Bay of Plenty has had the highest job growth in the country over the last two years, and particularly in higher-value jobs in high-value industries.
"A year or so ago Tauranga had a massive 51 per cent increase in jobs advertised in the $100,000-plus salary range and our increases in annual earnings have been higher than the national average over the last two years, so hopefully, this gap is closing."
She says Priority One seeks to recruit a manager to bring new, high-value businesses to the Western Bay that pay higher salaries. "The timing for this is important as our competitive advantages as a city from which to do business are increasingly recognised, and we are also able to leverage off the issues being experienced in the Auckland market".