IN another sensational Wanganui Chronicle scoop, we are pleased to announce that the new king, King William V, will soon be travelling to New Zealand for the investiture of Winston Raymond Peters as the 40th Prime Minister of New Zealand.
On a more sombre note, King William's ascension to the throne sadly entails the abdication of Queen Elizabeth II, and the leap-frogging of Charles, Prince of Wales, as successor.
Last week the Chronicle was first to announce the planned formation of a Grand Coalition Government between New Zealand First, National, Labour and the Greens.
New Zealand First leader and senior superannuitant Winston Peters will be the new Prime Minister, as well as minister of all portfolios in a Cabinet of one, with the Act Party's David Seymour sitting on the Opposition cross-benchette. And, so far, we have not been contradicted.
The Chronicle, however, apologises for an error in dates. We were wrongly appraised by Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters (formerly NZ First deputy Ron Mark, who's changed his name by deed poll to Winston Peters for uniformity's sake) that the official announcement would be on Thursday. Unfortunately, Mr Mark/Peters didn't specify which Thursday.
The Chronicle assumed the Thursday in question was the day NZ First had themselves nominated - namely, last Thursday, October 12.
This, it turns out, was incorrect, and the actual Thursday is today, October 19 - or, if not, possibly any one of a number of other Thursdays some time in the near or not-so-near future.
However, in sensational breaking news, the Chronicle was recently proud to be in receipt of a confidential call from the Palace wishing to convey the new King's intention to personally attend Mr Peters' investiture as PM. Unfortunately, Queen Catherine will be unable to accompany the King, owing to her pending confinement.
The more astute would have been alerted to the possibility of Royal involvement via two seemingly cryptic comments on Tuesday by the Minister outside Cabinet for Pastries and Late-night Entertainment, Shane Jones.
Arriving at Parliament, Mr Jones prognosticated that "soon the monarch butterfly will emerge". It's now clear to which monarch Mr Jones was alluding.
In response to a question regarding coalition negotiations, the Oracle of Awanui paraphrased Proverbs 29:14: "Kings that are fair to the poor will rule forever" - another cunning royal reference.
"It's work in progress, but everyone should be confident," Mr Jones added.
Some may be shocked by the Queen's abdication, but committed royal watchers were confident such a move was imminent. Firstly, she'd finally cracked her great-great-grandmother's record as longest-serving monarch. Secondly, she was feeling sorry for Phil, released from royal duties but stuck by himself in front of the telly all day.
As regards bypassing Charles, who's loitered in the wings for so long, a telling clue was in the recently aired Diana Tapes - the informal videos made by her voice coach, with a relaxed Diana articulating many juicy private tidbits just for the sake of things to say as vocal practice exercises.
At one point, in despair on discovering her marriage was in fact a ménage-a-trois with a certain third party, Diana mentioned she even personally asked the Queen what to do.
The Queen could only sympathise: "I really don't know," she said, "Charles is hopeless."
A mother knows ... no wonder William got the nod.
As Minister of Everything, the new PM's comprehensive portfolio includes that of Minister of Racing - long an area of special personal interest. With racing being "the sport of kings", no doubt Winnie and Willie will find time to duck out to Trentham for a flutter.
Remember, you read it all first in the Chronicle - yet to be proven wrong.