If you've ever tried to decipher a Sonny Bill Williams tweet, you'll probably be like Owen Glenn and think the Aussies can have him. Richard Kahui, however, is a keeper. The Chiefs midfield back fronts an amusing spoof video as an anchorman for the fictional CNN Network (the Chiefs News Network) which was uploaded to YouTube last week.
"The video is an initiative between the Chiefs and [TV show] The Crowd Goes Wild and there are more episodes to come," Chiefs communications manager Kylie Sousa told The Diary.
The satirical clip also appears on a blog dedicated to 26-year-old Kahui, alongside photos of the All Black and his Australian girlfriend, Amy Rhodes, enjoying a beach vacation.
Wearing shorts, sunhat, suit jacket, tie and brandishing a microphone, Kahui apes a news reporter in the manner of Jon Stewart's Daily Show.
He interviews teammates Lelia Masaga and Shane Cleaver at the Agriculture Research Centre in Ruakura, "new home of the Chiefs", he says.
"Studies have shown animals respond well to music," Kahui proposes. "That is true," Masaga says straight-faced. "We're trying to use music with the forwards now. It calms them down a bit and eases their pain."
The camera pans to tight-head prop Cleaver smashing up cardboard boxes. "As soon as I start singing, it just changes them," Masaga says.
He breaks into Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On. Kahui joins in, less-than-harmoniously, and the pair re-enact the famous bow scene from Titanic with Masaga as Kate Winslet and Kahui as Leonardo DiCaprio. A calmer Cleaver connects for a three-way cuddle.
In another scene, Kahui rouses Cleaver, who is from Taranaki, and asks if he's "comfortable spending time with the sheep on the paddock?"
"More cows do it for me."
"Bit bigger?" Kahui deadpans.
"A lot bigger," Cleaver smirks.
Anchorman Kahui signs off to the camera: "I believe this is the year for the Chiefs. Forget Stephen Donald. Forget the slow starts. Forget Possum [Warren Allen] and his chainsaw. They're gone.
"It's like the old adage: never wear shoes too small for your feet."
YouTube fans apparently weren't confused with that axiom.
Someone calling themselves ElemenWolf said: "I was laughing so hard I woke the dead! This is awesome, keep them coming! Love the presenter, he needs his own show."
Kahui has demonstrated skills very rarely seen in the All Blacks camp: self-deprecating humour and comedic timing.
The Diary is looking forward to the next instalment from the CNN Network.
FINAL WASH-UP IN PARORE v RIDGE
Yesterday, former Black Cap Adam Parore and his estranged partner Sally Ridge cleared a procedural issue in the High Court at Auckland, where Ridge was seeking an order to freeze Parore's assets.
"It is the start of the final wash-up of [their] matrimonial settlement and division of assets," a close source told The Diary. [Parore] "has stopped all payments to her in the past few months. She wants to keep getting paid by him, but he just wants to settle everything once and for all."
Ridge did not return calls and her lawyer, Daniel Grove, could not be contacted.
Devoted dad Parore, a former international cricketer, told The Diary: "My main concern is making sure my kids are happy."
The pair, who split in 2010, have two small children, Astin and Mclane.
DERBY DAY DITTIES
The weather bomb did not deter some punters from a day at the track on Saturday. Derby Day at Ellerslie was the venue of choice for Paritai Drive dwellers James and Gilda Kirkpatrick, who chose to celebrate their 12th wedding anniversary at the exclusive Gucci private suite.
Kimbra stopped by the private party to say hello ahead of her performance, showing no evidence of jetlag, despite flying in from the UK earlier that day.
Annabel Fay was there too, looking very nearly unrecognisable with long, straight-ironed auburn locks. Terry Serepisos, who flew up from the Capital for the event, told The Diary he is relocating to Auckland because "Wellington is too much of a fishbowl."
Tomorrow, it's Auckland Cup Day - Heidi Klum's estranged husband, Seal, and Hobbit star Orlando Bloom and his supermodel wife, Miranda Kerr, have been reported to be attending, though our insiders say this may be more a case of wishful media thinking.
BOY DIRECTOR'S GIRL
Taika Waititi, 36, celebrated the launch of Boy in New York theatres at the weekend, through a small American distributor Paladin Films.
The New York Times suggested the film could be Oscar material. "This movie from New Zealand, filmed in a Maori village near the Bay of Plenty, belongs in the pantheon of quaint and quirky locales that make for memorable films," the newspaper said.
Waititi is expecting a child with his 36-year-old producer/director partner, Chelsea Winstanley, industry sources said.
They are also working together on Jojo Rabbit, a movie about a 10-year-old boy in wartime Vienna who aspires to be the world's best Nazi.
Winstanley, a director of Auckland film and TV production company StanStrong Ltd, told Variety magazine last month that she was looking for German or Austrian co-producers for the movie at Rotterdam's CineMart, where film-makers launch ideas and look for financing.
"We're in the fortunate position of being able to choose," she said.