Only a great fool prints screeds of predictions for the year ahead. So here are 100 of them.
In 2014, politicians will promise a new kind of politics, free from alienating, brutal and childish squabbling.
The nation will find itself engrossed in a mysterious murder trial. The nation will find itself engrossed in the activities of beneficiaries - specifically, the activities of two visiting beneficiaries from Britain and their baby son. The nation will find itself engrossed in the fate of an endearing animal with an adorable name.
Politicians will squabble like brutish, alien children.
The year will bring a wave of offended people calling for an apology. They will be further offended by the issuance of an apology for any offence caused. There will be no further comment.
There will be a serious data breach. A humiliating u-turn.
There will be a perfect storm. Followed by a raft of measures.
A cyclone will hit. A virus will spread. A curiosity will swell into a scandal. There will be shock developments.
Public figures will find themselves embattled. Other public figures will instead be beleaguered. A career will hang in the balance.
A Hanmer Springs wine waiter will publish a breathtaking novel and become the new face of Seven Sharp. A novelty dance craze will create a global online buzz.
David Cunliffe will shake his head disapprovingly and speak of circumstances. Winston Peters will peep on his dog whistle. Colin Craig will splutter on his.
John Banks will look bewildered. Te Ururoa Flavell will look lost. Peter Dunne will perform the novelty dance that has created a global online buzz.
The Prime Minister's name will be misspelt in an international newspaper.
The Greens will call for an inquiry.
And a week will be a long time in politics.
The media will demand an apology. The media will demand a resignation. The media will reveal that the going rate for five apologies is one resignation. You will be invited to join the conversation online.
There will be silver bullets. Silver linings. And smoking guns.
There will be a scientific breakthrough. There will be unscientific polls.
The third Hobbit film will be broken into three parts.
Debates will be sparked. Questions will be begged. There will be claims. There will be counter-claims. Sources will be high placed. There will be leaks. There will be leaks about leaks. And leaks that shed light on leaks about leaks.
Critics will be confounded.
On April 1, Geoff Robinson will announce that he was "obviously kidding" when he announced his retirement from National Radio.
Ducks will be lame. Hawks will battle doves. Elephants will remain in rooms.
New Zealanders will punch above their weight. Gareth Morgan will get your attention.
The year ahead, mark my words, will produce learnings. And transitionings. And pathways. And repurposings. And goings forward at the end of the day.
Kim Dotcom will become the new face of Seven Sharp.
Disgruntled bloggers will launch blistering attacks on the lapdogs of the mainstream media.
Slow drivers will accelerate in passing lanes.
There will be numerous examples of weather.
Nature will abhor a vacuum. Hints will be dropped. John Tamihere will face down the matriarchy and become the new face of Seven Sharp.
Sods will be turned. Babies kissed. Ribbons cut. Berms mown.
Sabres will be rattled. Dirt will be dug. Communities will be tightly knit. Heroes will be unsung. And there will be outpourings of support.
ANZ will come up with another creepy television ad.
The New Zealand Herald will be lambasted for its right-wing bias.
House prices will defy predictions. There will be blood. There will be an election. There will be a darkness. And a delight.
There will be raw deals. Sweet deals. Dirty deals. And big deals.
The New Zealand Herald will be lambasted for its left-wing bias.
Steven Joyce and Judith Collins will become the new faces of Seven Sharp.
There will be a falling out. A making up. An agreement to disagree. You will get over it.
There will be lists. And predictions. There will be lists full of predictions. You will age. Things just won't be what they once were.
People who count the number of predictions in this column to see if they do add to 100 will be left wondering if their day has really come to that.
And just about everyone will have a happy new year.