Bitchin' Channels

A blog about television and radio with Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes - 'A bit of a dick move'

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TV blogger Paul Casserly analyses some of the best quotes from the past few weeks in television land.

Labour Panel with Shane Jones, Grant Robertson, David Cunliffe. Who said what? Photo /  Maori Television
Labour Panel with Shane Jones, Grant Robertson, David Cunliffe. Who said what? Photo / Maori Television

Nine months in and 2013 is moving predictably quickly. Winter is no longer coming. It's going! On the downside DIY has infested the schedules and we are no longer happy with our homes. At least when it was food we were all obsessing about you could satisfy yourself by chucking some baby carrots and a couple of shallots in a casserole. Now the bathroom and kitchen are looking shabbier by the minute.

Luckily we have the psychopaths of Breaking Bad and The Fall to keep us sane, and the insanity of the Labour party leadership tussle to keep us entertained.

And who would have thought the Ranfurly Shield would be back in our lives? Hell things are even looking up in the ad breaks, thanks mainly to an animated cow taking a dump. Here's a snapshot of the month that was, in the form of spoken gems from the good, the sad and the fugly.

See if you can guess who said the following.

1. "When my legal team get through with him it will make the christifcation (sic) of Christ look like chicken s***."

2. "The bigger the income gap in a society the worse the average performance of that society is ... 10 times more people are locked up ... homicide rates are 10 times higher."

3. "Mr Key didn't like it when they spied on him in that coffee lounge."

4. "Putin hates Snowden, he sees him as a traitor. He's a former KGB man, they don't like traitors."

5. "Death by doctor is very common these days but thanks to the internet a lot of us have educated ourselves."

6. "If you don't know who I am maybe the best course is to tread lightly."

7. "A bit of a dick move."

8. "The Al Qaeda that we're fighting in Iraq are the same ones we're supporting in Syria. It's crazy."

9. "Since Helen has gone we haven't had the right leader."

10. "This is Jay, she's gay."

THE ANSWERS

1. "When my legal team get through with him it will make the christifcation (sic) of Christ look like chicken s***, 'cause I'm coming after him." Ian from Neighbours at War was having a problem with his neighbour Steven. Both of the men are farmers in Southland. Ian claimed he was a simple man: "All I need is a bit of piss money and a bit of smoke money." But even Darryl the Vietnam Vet he hired as "security" thought him a "hothead" while Steven was "too sensitive". Regarding the time the two came to blows, Ian recounted, "He was in the foetus position when I left. I just went down the pub." Sadly what was possibly the best NAW episode ever was also the last, for now at least, as the Sunday 7pm slot didn't turn out to be a suitable neighbourhood for the show.

2. "The bigger the income gap in a society the worse the average performance of that society is ... 10 times more people are locked up ... homicide rates are 10 times higher." Professor Richard Wilkinson, a British epidemiologist, talking on Brian Bruce's clunky but thought provoking Mind The Gap documentary about the increasing gap between rich and poor in New Zealand. When asked where New Zealand was on the international scale Wilkinson said, "It's one of the more unequal ones and it's been getting more unequal since we started collecting data."

3. "Mr Key didn't like it when they spied on him in that coffee lounge." An old duck tells it like it is on Campbell Live's GCSB road trip.

4. "Putin hates Snowden, he sees him as a traitor, he's a former KGB man, they don't like traitors." So said BBC World's Dimitry Shishkin during a lively discussion about whistle blower Edward Snowden, Putin and Obama. Of the latter he reckoned he "behaved like a small child" after refusing to see Putin.

5. "Death by doctor is very common these days but thanks to the internet a lot of us have educated ourselves." Chilling words from New Zealander Sally Roberts, the mother of Neon whom she took on the run to avoid the chemo he is now getting under his dad's watch. "He's doing well," said Ben Roberts on One News.

6. "If you don't know who I am maybe the best course is to tread lightly." The moment we'd all been waiting for as Walter and Hank finally came head to head on Breaking Bad. But my favourite lines of the season so far come from a couple of comedic bad guys who spout lines like "When I see a kid with a cycle helmet on I want to smack the s*** out of him, like for his own good." This came after the other goon was reminiscing about the good old days when you could smoke on planes while now the ashtrays are welded shut. "What the hell happened to this country?"

7. "A bit of a dick move." New Zealand's own Scott Dixon, star of American Indy Car racing was accusing a mechanic from another team of purposely getting in his way during a pit stop. The man in question flew in the air as he was bowled by Dixon, who was then penalised. Although to my eyes the replay clearly showed Dixon crossing into the other team's zone thus placing the dick on the other foot.

8. "The Al Qaeda that we're fighting in Iraq are the same ones we're supporting in Syria. It's crazy." Middle East Journalist Rachel Shabi on BBC World's Dateline pointing out the incredible Escher-like complexity of the situation in that part of the world. Commenting on Egypt she also observed, "the unelected loathed dictator is free and the elected leader is now locked up". However easy solutions to the situation are offered daily on talkback radio here in NZ. "Just bomb the pricks, I'm sick and tired of it" said one exasperated caller the other day.

9. "Since Helen has gone we haven't had the right leader." Said Shane Jones during a Labour leadership grilling by Sean Plunket on The Nation. Naturally Shane suggested that he was the next "right" leader. Regarding Key, Jones reckons him to be a "50 million dollar Gorilla" and a "teka merchant, as we say in Maori." Asked what he thought of Key, Cunliffe correctly noted, "he's a lot funnier than I am".

10. "This is Jay, she's gay." Said Zach to All Black star Israel Dagg when he arrived on the Mitre10 Dream Home set by way of an introduction to Jay who is indeed gay. Israel for his part kept his own sexual preferences to himself.

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