According to Dr Ramani Durvasala, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and author of You Are WHY You Eat, cappuccino-drinkers will take the loss badly. She concluded in a no-doubt highly rigorous study last year those who order cappuccinos are "controlling" and "overly sensitive". Unlike instant- coffee drinkers ("laid-back"), black-coffee imbibers ("purist") and latte suckers ("neurotic").
But observation at my local coffee emporium reveals it's a little more complicated than that. You can tell a lot about someone by their relationship with their daily cup.
Trim latte
The Diet Coke of the hot-beverage world and the default choice of the slightly harassed mother/career woman. It promises the maternal comfort of warm milk and a gentle caffeine bump, without the calories.
The joke is, of course, on them as the evidence now suggests that whole milk is less fattening than skimmed (it's to do with the way sugar is absorbed, apparently). All those wasted years.
Regular latte
The choice of the well-respected man who will never rise beyond middle management. Once opted for the gingerbread version - a bit silly, really!
Soy flat white
The tell-tale sign of the lactose-intolerant, gluten-spurning orthorexic. If you do happen to suffer from any of these afflictions, the dignified order is black coffee.
Almond milk flat white
As above, but also has a large Instragram following, a line of yoga-wear and a bestselling cook book.
Erm... can I just have... a normal coffee...oh, fiddlesticks, what is it called these days?
You can hardly blame the upstanding pensioner for their moment of panic as the milk machines hiss and the time-pushed Eastern European workers hammer spent grounds from the espresso pods and fail to understand their order.
Unfortunately, "coffee" ceased to exist around 2003. What you're after is "white filter" (a sort of brownish dishwater) or "white Americano" (espresso topped up with too much water).
Mango frappuccino
If you are eight, fine. If you are any older, please examine your life priorities.
Double espresso
The choice of the intellectual sophisticate.
Single-estate drip-filtered
Coffee taken to the heights of purity... offset by the fact that it cost $8, takes years and will come served with attitude.
Cold press with butter
This is actually a thing. Future historians will draw terrible conclusions from this.
Decaff
You don't get out much, do you?
Short cappuccino
Starbucks promises that you can still get a cappuccino if you really want one. You just have to go off menu. The same principle applies if you want to order a small coffee. The listed sizes are "grande" (big), "medio" (too big) and "venti" (way too big). Clever people order "short". It costs less and is perfectly sufficient.
