Clare Williamson finds it hard between work and chores to find time and energy to play with daughter Eden, 2, while husband Craig finds it easier to find "play" time. Photo / Getty Images
Our Mother’s Day survey reveals what mums really want — to be the rule-breaker.
Mums, it seems, just want to have fun. Forget flowers, chocolates or even breakfast in bed. Most women with dependent children say what they really, really want for Mother's Day is the chance to rebel.
A survey of New Zealand mums has found most feel it is their children's father who is the "fun" parent, their kids' partner-in-crime and go-to for games.
The mums say they are the ones stuck making sure everyone is doing their homework, eating their dinner and brushing their teeth before bed.
And they're fed up with bearing the lioness' share of household tasks and parenting responsibilities.
One complained: "Mum is the bad guy and maid while Dad is the entertainer and teacher."
Several said dad was the fun parent who swooped in after work and at weekends and told the kids they could ditch Mum's rules.
Single mums also said they weren't getting enough time to let loose.
"I'm the disciplinary one and then when they go to their father's every second weekend, to them that's the 'fun times'," one said.
"Sometimes it gets me down."
The results mirror a survey in Britain which showed women would far rather be rule-breakers than house-keepers and resent the fact that dads get to play the "fun" parent role far more than they do.
In the British survey, conducted by advertising agency Saatchi & Saatchi for the parenting website Mumsnet, mothers were asked to define their roles and to detail how much time they spent in each.
Mumsnet users and panels involving 1,800 parents came up with eight categories to cover the jobs involved in parenting: carer, safehouse, partner-in-crime, friend, hero, coach, fan and rule-breaker.
The overwhelming result was that mothers were unhappy they did not get to spend as much time in the fun roles as men.
Almost three-quarters said they wanted to carve out more time as a partner in crime, and 60 per cent wanted to spend more time as a rule-breaker.
But more than half the mums provided all eight of the emotional roles on their own in their household.
The research also recorded that of all the mothers surveyed - those who work outside the home and those who stay at home with their children - 91 per cent said they took the main responsibility for parenting in their household.
Among those working full-time, 89 per cent of mothers also said they took the main responsibility for their children every day, which rose to 98 per cent of stay-at-home mothers.
But all of them said they wished they had more time to break the rules, hang the housework, and have spontaneous, anarchic fun with their kids.
The survey found dads' biggest involvement was in the emotional roles of rule-breaker and partner-in-crime. Mothers were still mostly involved in providing the carer, safehouse and hero roles. Only a quarter of fathers spent any time in the carer role, the mums said.
Justine Roberts, the founder of Mumsnet, said it was clear many mothers harboured a desire just to be able to kick back against the drudgery and be more fun.
"Nobody becomes a mother so she can learn to produce the ultimate tuna pasta bake," she said.
"For all the hard graft that it entails, parenthood is an emotional journey and mums and dads are playing all sorts of different roles in their children's lives, from carer to playmate to role model.
"It's clear, though, from our research, that mums would like the dads to do a bit more of the rule-making so mums can do more of the rule-breaking."
The unscientific New Zealand survey was carried out via several parenting organisations, which posed the question to their Facebook followers, including
Oh Baby!
magazine and parenting website
Kiwi Families
.
More than 100 mums answered questions including who they thought was the fun parent in their family, whether they wanted more time to spend having fun and who does the bulk of the household chores.
A third of Kiwi mums said dad was the fun parent in their house. Only one in five mums said they had that role.
Another third said it would switch back and forth between the parents. But almost all said they wanted more time to have fun with their children.
Kiwi Families editor Rochelle Gribble said it was something that had come up in conversation with her friends, too.
She and her engineer husband share care of their three daughters, but their approaches to parenting are different. She said that could be part of the reason it seemed dads got the lion's share of the fun.
"My husband is way better at the play stuff than I am.
"I'm always saying the dishes need doing or the washing needs hanging out, I'll play with you but I need to do this first. He's better at ignoring everything else and just playing with the kids."
Social media doesn't help, she said. She has noticed mums running themselves ragged trying to live up to an unattainable ideal being spread by sites such as Pinterest, which showcase endless amazing birthday parties, craft activities and outings for children.
"Dads care way less about the bunting for the party or the perfectly-decorated cake."
Some mums reported spending so much time planning enriching activities for their children that they didn't enjoy the time they spent doing them.
"We need to be kind to ourselves," Gribble said. "Think about what's going to matter, what kids will remember.
"It's about dialling down everyone's expectations and thinking about the things that are important and that matter, not making beautiful Pinterest pictures."
Gribble had noticed everyone in her family benefited when there was more relaxed play time.
"We do a lot of craft and we'll have tea parties. My husband will teach them how to throw a rugby ball so they can play touch rugby but he'll totally get involved in a tea party or making craft. It's probably not exactly what he imagined parenthood would be but he's great at it."
Oh Baby! editor Ellie Gwilliam said a recent blog post that went viral about the idea of a "default parent" - the one with primary responsibility for the emotional, physical and logistical needs of the children, organising appointments, getting kids ready for school, keeping a calendar of after-school activities and wiping noses - had struck a chord with many New Zealand mums.
"The default parent is usually the mum. If mum is at home it's natural the domestic duties fall to her but you have to remember to inject some fun into the daily things.
"That would help balance the 'fun parent' back to a more even spread."
She had heard of a dad who made a habit of wiggling his bottom every time he went to the fridge to get tomato sauce. It would get a laugh from his kids every time.
"The kids knew it was Dad's joke. He made an intentional effort to inject some fun. A mum could just as easily do that."
She said she and her husband could sometimes be overwhelmed by the day-to-day grind and forget to let loose. "We can both be busy and tired in equal measure and we have to intentionally get above that to be fun."
But if everyone can agree lots of mums are feeling this way, what are the chances of a reprieve this Mother's Day?
Auckland University sociologist Kellie McNeill said some serious social pressures would have to change if mums were to break the mould and have a bit more fun.
"We had a very traditional nuclear model for a long time and we're moving away from that.
"We're in a transition phase where everyone is testing the boundaries a bit in terms of their roles in family."
The nagging mum and conspiratorial dad is such a cliche that whole sitcoms have been devoted to it.
McNeill said it could be an unconscious push back at women taking on more authority in the home.
"Men have been the authority in households for a long time and are still adapting to sharing that power in the parenting role. These adaptations can show up in quite subtle ways that men may not even be conscious of. Can you imagine Mum and the kids ganging up on Dad in the same way when he put his foot down about something?"
Children's expectations' are higher now, too. "Kids now have more leisure time and the things they do with it are really stimulating and engaging.
"Whoever says 'stop that now you need to do the dishes' is going to be the bad guy."
She said it could be even worse for single mums because absentee fathers were often put on a pedestal.
"They're not in their face all day trying to get them to do things, feed the dog or pack their bag. "
The biggest problem, though, was that a lot of mums were too busy to have time to play.
McNeill said there was still a long way to go before the domestic workload was spread evenly. She said lip service was paid to sharing the load of household chores but the statistics show nothing was changing.
Men still overestimated the amount of time they put into household labour - and women thought their husbands did more than they did. Even when women were the primary breadwinner, they still took on most of the domestic workload.
"Mums are still the ones who spend the majority of their time caring for children. It's improved but it's nowhere near equal."
- Additional reporting by The Guardian
Clare Williamson knew it wouldn't be easy juggling work with a small child, but she has been surprised at how little time she has left to relax and play with Eden, 2.
The Pakuranga mum started working part-time as a fundraising co-ordinator for the Rudolf Steiner Schools Trust when Eden was 1.
She had been teaching Spanish and running her own business but it was time-consuming and the income was unreliable.
Williamson hoped part-time work would give her the balance to be a "fun mum" and spend quality time with her daughter.
"The reality is that because of my job I end up working from home on the days I am meant to be off and there is nothing left of the days when I work at school by the time we get home. I try to stick to three half-days in the office and two half-days working from home, but the sacrifice is not having full days off for the fun stuff and having to juggle work with Eden at home."
Meanwhile, husband Craig works full-time as an IT systems analyst and gets more of the "fun parent" role.
"It sometimes feels like when he gets home at six o'clock he gets all the smiles after I have survived getting home from work to the chaos of her being tired and grumpy, witching hour, housework, teatime, walking the dog ... "
He is also better at ignoring the little things and devoting himself to playing with Eden, she says.
"He seems to have so much energy and patience to play, whereas I feel like I want the floor to swallow me up by the end of the day.
"He helps, but I wonder if he even realises there are little jobs that are constant that need to be done."
• Establish special traditions with your kids - an icecream date every second Sunday afternoon or a "no-chores" Wednesday.
• Set out on a pyjamas walk together on summer evenings - some time for kids to chill out between dinner and bedtime.
• Cook together. Have a pizza night, make your own sushi or burritos.
• Look for opportunities to play: If you're running errands together can you play eye spy or hopscotch on tiles? Everything will take longer but it's much more fun.
• If your kids want you to do something but you're too busy, instead of saying "in 10 minutes", try "for 10 minutes". Pick up what you were doing after the 10 minutes is up.
Strength is more than brute force, and the female body is proving it across every field.