Keeping Mum

Dita De Boni looks at the trials and tribulations of being a parent.

Wiggly fun

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You know for a fact you've been watching far too much of The Wiggles when you start dreaming about them. And not just any old dreams. You can have not had sex for two years and yet (or perhaps, so) your dreamland excursions start taking on a disturbingly erotic flavour - for me, the other night - with Greg, the yellow Wiggle.

Nothing x-rated, I assure you - his yellow skivvy remained safely on throughout - and yet seemingly so real. Indeed, I feel like I know the man intimately - after all, I do watch him perform several hours a day.

I have tried, without much real conviction - to limit the amount of time my two-year-old son watches The Wiggles.

At first he showed zero interest. But pretty soon he'd got used to watching the half hour offering on the kid's channel, and then it was a few sneaky DVDs purloined from relatives, and now it's requested morning, noon and night.

In fact, the other night when he cried out at 2am, the first thing he said through tears when I went into his room to comfort him was "Toot Toot" (in other words, can you please ensure the next two hours are comprised of every Wiggles DVD I own, played multiple times?)

What it is about these cut-price Beatles that make them so blasted popular to kids?

Well, their tunes are catchy but complex (kind of like adult music). It's not inexcorable pap like High 5, which I wager is kept popular by the many fathers salivating over the perky and cute girl performers.

The Wiggles in contrast are securely masculine, but not afraid to dance like ballerinas or play dress-ups. They are colourful and cheerful but also slightly anarchic. They are, as someone has said, the first rock band your kids will fall in love with.

Being a journo I couldn't help myself - I had to do some internet research on the Wiggles.

My paramour Greg, who has had to retire from The Wiggles because of a chronic illness, was also once an Elvis impersonator.

Anthony, the blue Wiggle, was Cleo's bachelor of the year 1999, but has since disappointed his many matronly fans by marrying and having three kids.

Murray, the red Wiggle, is also married with kids but Jeff, the purple Wiggle, remains single and childless and there are unrepeatable rumours about who he knocks about with.

Nevertheless, Jeff's a firm favourite in my household.

And I was relieved to read that it's not only my son, but apparently kids across Australasia, who like to scream out "Wake up Jeff" whenever they come face to face with someone of Asian descent.

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