James Griffin is a columnist for Canvas magazine.

James Griffin: An offer you cannot refuse

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Photo / AP
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Photo / AP

FROM: Kim Jong-Un - Supreme Leader and Military Commander; First Chairman of the National Defence Commission of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea

TO: Jon-ki - Primary Minister of the Nationalist Government of the New Republic of Zealand

RE: Once-in-a-lifetime surrender offer

Dear Jon-ki,

As you are undoubtedly aware from the tremblings of fear that are travelling around the planet, and from the lamentings of your subjects as they cower in their bomb shelters, awaiting the arrival of our fury, the super-power you refer to as North Korea has recently declared war on the entire world.

Be assured, Jon-ki, that we were not joking when we made this declaration of our intent to unleash our wrath. This was not, as some have suggested, an April Fool's Day prank.

Because here in Pyongyang we have no sense of humour, please also be assured those who made these frivolous suggestions will be hunted out and will feel the tongue of our vengeance when and where they least expect it.

Now you are aware of our seriousness in our words and our promise to rain our dread down upon you, please read wisely and think carefully as I make to you a one-time-only offer to surrender to us now and to spare your subjects the inevitable suffering and torment of our invading armies.

And what armies our armies are, Jon-ki; armies such as the world has never seen before. We have tanks and submarines and aeroplanes of such technical sophistry that the puny weapons of the United States of Satan are nothing, and will be swept aside like dog-droppings in the street. So do not make the mistake of thinking that cuddling in the arms or between the thighs of Mother America will keep you safe. It won't.

And yes, our words are backed by nuclear weapons, the likes of which the world has also never seen before. We have nuclear weapons so cunning in their delivery that when our enemies laugh at them, saying they do not work, we say to them, "But imagine if they did." And in this way we create nuclear weapons in the minds of our foes, paralysing them with fear and wetting the trousers of their determination.

And more than our massive arsenal of conventional weapons, we also have weapons of such unconventional natures that your feeble Western sheep-farming minds cannot even begin to comprehend how awesome and shocking they truly are. To give you a hint of what horror awaits you when we deploy these unconventional weapons, I will say only three words: North Korean opera. You have been warned.

But even more terrifying then any of these already terrifying things, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has, at its disposal, the most terrifying weapon of all: me.

With the power of my mind I, Kim Jong-un, can bend to my will anything on the planet that has a mind or even doesn't have a mind. With a single thought, Jon-ki, I can send two million of Korea's most frightening old people marching south to your capital city of Auckland. Yes, it will take them a long time to march there, but nothing - not even vast stretches of ocean - will stop them and when they do finally arrive, you will truly know the meaning of the word anxiety.

And so, Jon-ki, hear my words and consider your options - which are as follows:

Option 1: Surrender.

There are no other options. In return for your subjugation and your complete, utter and eternal devotion to me, Kim Jong-un (Father of the Skies and Mother of the Trees; Supreme Number One of All Numbers; aka The Man), the Democratic People's Republic of Korea will promise not to ravage your land and decimate your population.

When you choose to accept these conditions, please load your super-tankers and inter-island ferries with the following things and deliver them to the port of Nampo by Thursday: all your sheep; as much kiwifruit that can be gathered by three million slaves in the time available; the Crusaders rugby team; a million possums so we may set them free in our forests to help with tree growth; Stephen Joyce; every weapon possessed by your entire army, air force and navy, along with instructions on how they work; and the recipe for hokey-pokey icecream.

You have 24 hours, Jon-ki, to accept these terms or hell will be unleashed upon you in such a way that you will never forget if you live to remember it. Please call me on PYONGYANG 1 with your answer.

Should you doubt my words, as an example of the power of my will, I will make the time in Zealand go backwards one hour. You have been warned. Again.

- NZ Herald

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James Griffin is a columnist for Canvas magazine.

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