Adam Green: Hot air turns balloon politics nasty

Adam Green

The election is almost on us. Months of campaigning, about a million hoardings, pledges, promises and publicity, it won't just be the politicians breathing a sigh of relief when the political tidal wave recedes and we see the eventual outcome for the next three years.

But one thing I'm secretly going to miss is the political arguments and infighting amongst people who for two years and 10 months are perfectly civil to each other, and then sling social media mud in every possible direction when faced with a conflicting opinion on the future of our beautiful country.

I've noticed a trend with these arguments, which usually follows a six-step process from civility to primary school.

Step one: Person one displays outwardly an opinion with a political leaning. To stay away from any actual political party we'll use balloons in this walkthrough. "I really like purple balloons."

Step two: Someone who is usually a friend decides to weigh in on the argument, because purple balloons are really not their thing. "I think you'll find pink balloons are much better."

Step 3: Without quite resorting to insults, the original poster will defend his or her balloon choice with some carefully crafted words and internet research. "Uh, sorry, pinky, but at most birthday parties there are more purple balloons than pink and also Taylor Swift once took a purple balloon to a party, so pleeeeease don't come here talking about pink balloons."

Step 4: Our pink balloon-liking friend decides it is time for a personal insult. Facts start to go out the window at this stage, as anger takes over and fingers start to hit the keyboard more heavily "Well, only stupid people ever liked purple balloons, plus your T-shirt supporting them looks really dorky and I've never liked your hair."

Step 5: Usually at this time a THIRD person joins the party, feeling a duty to stop the argument before things get too heated. "Guys, guys, ALL balloons are cool, there is no need for personal insults, we all have balloons we like, I actually prefer yellow ones! Plus your hair looks great."

Step 6: The social media post is now a free-for-all argument. People you haven't seen since high school suddenly appear to defend their balloon choice, and sling insults across the internet.

It'll be a different world on social media next week, so enjoy the show while it's there! Wonder which balloon will end up prime minister?

• Don't miss Adam Green and Sarah van der Kley on The Hits Hawke's Bay from 6am to 9am, Monday to Friday.