Malapropisms (the extended mix)

1. A colleague explained she was going to the doctor to get a quarter zone injection in her elbow.

2. I used to be a detective and it was common practice to use a dictaphone for taking notes at scenes and such like. One senior detective recording his notes on the condition of the deceased during an autopsy said: "The woman has asparagus veins".

3. I heard my then-husband say, "I'll handle it like a kid with gloves."


4. I also worked with a woman who discussed building something with "tantalised wood".

5. My neighbour knew I was totally into gardening and asked about the "pest" plants on her other border. I explained that most of them were noxious weeds and under the Auckland City rules, these plants should be removed. A few weeks later she came by and told me: "I've called the council about those obnoxious plants." I congratulated her and went inside to laugh.

6. Our 5-year-old daughter used to talk about having a sense of kumara.

7. I once worked with a woman who announced she was going home to make some scrotum for her son's scout camp. I hope she meant scroggin!

8. My 9-year-old grandson told me he had made a New Year's revolution to spend less time on his devices.

9. When she was young our daughter would refer to the President of Cuba as "Fidel Casserole".

Spotted somewhere in the East Cape.
Spotted somewhere in the East Cape.

Children are an embarrassment

"My son never slept for longer than three to four hours a night until he was 5, so I was exhausted for years. One day when he was 2, I was sitting on the floor, zoned out a bit, while he was playing with my hair. I pretty much kept it in a bun 24-7 back then because my hair was down to my waist. Later I took him to the park down the road. At the busy park, I kept noticing that people were staring at me ... I was so tired that I shrugged it off and took him on a quick errand to Walmart. Again, people kept staring at me. Later that afternoon, my hair was slipping out of the bun it had been in all day, so I reached up to tuck it back in and I found six assorted pairs of Mr Potato Head eyes stuck into my hair!" (Source: