Paul Casserly 's Opinion

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes - 'I don't know what we use whale oil for'

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Paul Casserly wraps up the best comments from the month of August on television.
Whaleoil blogger Cameron Slater. Photo / David Rowland
Whaleoil blogger Cameron Slater. Photo / David Rowland

Good morning "you puffed up little s****". Let us consider August. Nothing much to report really. Oh, that's right, there was one thing. Nicky Hager released a book that became a giant turd that hit the electoral fan like something that shot out of the botty of a hippo just back from a three day binge.

We've been covered in the stuff ever since, and despite its astringent taste, we can't seem to get enough of the stuff. It's been as exciting as a game of bullrush at primary school, but let's get back to the real issues shall we?

People aren't interested in all that nonsense; they want to know what people were saying on TV.

Here's some of best and worst and some I can't even categorise. Try to guess which ones don't relate to Hager's book or Mr Slater's dirty undies. (Clue: There's at least one.)

1. "I'm still pleased every day that he is dead."

2. "She is a whopping great political distraction in an Adrienne Winkelmann jacket."

3. "Has anyone in the National party ever done anything illegal at any time ever, to your knowledge at all, ever?"

4. "I don't care what the PM says, he's a temporary Prime Minister."

5. "He asked me if I wanted to see his calf muscles."

6. "I don't know what we use whale oil for."

7. "Oil, gas and dairy."

8. "He unleashes a torrent of urine."

9. "Did you think to ask Cameron Slater why you would want to put Adam Feeley there?"

10. "Which Maori greeting beginning with K is the name of a brand of cordial?"

And who said them:

1. "I'm still pleased every day that he is dead." Seems harsh, but Simone Butler can probably be excused for thinking ill of the man who beat her and chopped her hand off with a Samurai sword. That man was the late Antonie Dixon and Simone was on Campbell Live telling Ali Ikram all about her ordeal and her plans to write a book all about it. When she heard of his death in prison, she described her emotions thus: "It was lovely, it was one of the best moments of my life, I've never felt as much freedom and joy. I'm still pleased every day that he is dead."

2. "She is a whopping great political distraction in an Adrienne Winkelmann jacket." More Patrick Gower magic, this time as a guest on a political panel on Native Affairs, as he was describing Judith Collins and the negative impact that the Minister of power dressing was having on the National Party in the wake of the Dirty Politics revelations. Gower also reckoned: "She just can't help herself, she's like an actress."

3. "Has anyone in the National party ever done anything illegal at any time ever, to your knowledge, at all, ever?" Mike Hosking asked this remarkable question to a slightly startled Steven Joyce on a 7 Sharp double header with Nicky Hager. Joyce was all smiles as his defence attorney - I mean Hosking, he treated Hager as if he were the Beast of Blenheim. It was in stark contrast to Hosking's evenhanded treatment of John Key and David Cunliffe on TV One's leader's debate.

4. "I don't care what the PM says, he's a temporary Prime Minister." Said Whale Oil, aka Cameron Slater, outside his front door as the glove-puppets of the mainstream media ganged up on him with considerable glee. Then Cam got all biblical on their asses, saying as he slammed the door, saying "You will reap what you sow".

5. "He asked me if I wanted to see his calf muscles." As pickup lines go, Act Party leader Jamie White's one to his now wife Zaniab, earns points for originality, and it clearly worked. The couple had their home invaded by serial politico stalker John Campbell as part of his entertaining series, At home with the leaders. Zaniab didn't seem to be enjoying the cut and thrust of political life. "I just want it to come to a conclusion so we can get on with our lives." Jamie seemed put out and replied, pleading, "But with me in Parliament?" Zaniab: "Oh course, we haven't done this for nothing, you've got to get in!"

6. "I don't know what we use whale oil for. I don't know if it's the actual whale being killed for the whale oil or if it's just oil in the sea that whales are around?"This from Paul Henry's daughter Bella, who has been conscripted as a pundit representing what "ordinary people" think, on her dad's show. It was an interesting encounter, which might have been satire, I'm honestly not sure if Bella was joking or not, it went something like this ...

Rebecca Wright: Have you heard of Dirty Politics?
Bella: "I know about that, I was working on the night, I don't know anything about it. I know they are trying to scare people and turn them off National but making someone sit down and read something, just come out and say it."
RW: What about Whale Oil?
BH: "I don't know what we use whale oil for? I don't know if it's the actual whale being killed for the whale oil or if it's just oil in the sea that whales are around? But yeah, don't kill whales but we need our oil, but if it's oil in the water just scooch the whales over little a bit, but if it's actual whales just use some other oil."
RW: What about Kim Dotcom?
BH: "I know that he invented illegally downloading music, and going from that to making an album that I didn't purchase, obviously ... no one will vote for him unless they are high on drugs."
RW: Should Jason Eade lose his job?
BH: "Is he a good person?"

Bella was, "very honest" reckoned Janika. Paul took his daughter's answers as evidence that people aren't interest in the "machinations of politics", ie, the issues raised by Dirty Politics. "People have lost track of the Dirty Politics story", added Yanika helpfully. "Bella said an interesting thing", said Paul, not referring to the very interesting Whale Oil riff, but to his wish for it to all just go away. "Most people in the media haven't read this book and never will", he thundered "Don't make us read a book", he grumped.

7. "Oil, gas and dairy." Said Barbara Kuriger, the National Party candidate for Taranaki when asked, "What is the best thing about your electorate?" by Wallace Chapman on Backbenches (Prime) Kuriger was last to reply, the other back benchers had already answered, though more predictably: "It's the people" (James Shaw, Green) "It's all about the people" (Marama Fox, Maori) and "I'd have to say the people." (Tamati Coffey).

8. "He unleashes a torrent of urine." Nothing to do with Hager, Slater, or even Gérard Depardieu, this is a random moment I happened upon when tuning in to Purina Pound Pups to Dog Stars. (TV One) The urinator wasn't even a dog, it was a Siamese cat which had "spraying issues".

9. "Did you think to ask Cameron Slater why you would want to put Adam Feeley there?" Asked Susan Wood on TV One's Q&A to a slightly rattled Matthew Hooton who had run a "Will Adam Feeley be sacked?" poll on his iPredict site, seemingly at the behest of Cameron Slater who's attacks on Feeley featured in the bombshell email that lead to the Judith Collins beheading, or "being taken out and shot" as Wood put it ...

Susan Wood: "Are you hearing any more low-level gossip?"
Hooton: "You're going to hear all the email and Facebook exchanges between Collins and Whale Oil, and also all the email and Facebook messages between Jason Eade and Whale Oil."

10. "Which Maori greeting beginning with K is the name of a brand of cordial?" The things you learn watching TV3's new game show Million Dollar Minute. The Kia Ora cordial was launched in Australia in 1903 before eventually being bought out by Coca-Cola. Here's the animated TV commercial from the 1980s, that took some flak for being racist.

Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

It began with Dr Who, in black and white, when it was actually scary. The addiction took hold with Chips, in colour. He made his mum knit a Starsky and Hutch cardigan. Later, Twin Peaks would blow what was left of his mind. He’s been working in radio and TV since the 1990s and has an award in his pool room for Eating Media Lunch.

Read more by Paul Casserly

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