Deborah Hill Cone
Deborah Hill Cone is a Herald columnist

Deborah Hill Cone: NZ - crazy people, crazy place


Hubbard, SFO, Hotchin - it's just too much to be taken straight*

Dear old granddaddy Hubbard who wouldn't hurt a fly or a whingeing, whining crazy guy? Writer Deborah Hill Cone believes it's all too much to be taken straight. Photo / Listener
Dear old granddaddy Hubbard who wouldn't hurt a fly or a whingeing, whining crazy guy? Writer Deborah Hill Cone believes it's all too much to be taken straight. Photo / Listener

Allan Hubbard!!! Give the poor guy a break!! Down boy!! Call off your slavering media hounds!! He's just a dear old granddaddy on dialysis who never hurt a fly with his humble house and humble cup of tea and humble shortbread just trying to give humble hard working moms and pops a wee hand up and now you're a-hounding and a-hauling the ol' feller into an early grave. Steady on vicar!! Old Mother Hubbard is Vee-Dub-tastic. Gets my motor running. He can be my hubby anytime!! Geddit!!

For Crying Out Loud!!! Allan Hubbard: arenchasickof him! Who cares if he is a frail 83-year-old or a 23-year-old triathlete. Tough bikkies!! He cost taxpayers a bomb, and I don't mean just an old VW!! Stop a-whingeing and a-whining granddad!! Let's get Hubba Bubba. Crazy name, crazy guy!

What a hero! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's Fearless Feeley, the squinty-eyed crime-fighting superman bravely standing up to wussy-pussy public opinion in his quest for justice from those bad bankers.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!! To infinity, of legal fees and really really long trials, and beyond! You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. Super-Feeley-Office: that copper can cop a feel anytime!! Geddit!!

Have a heart, cold fish Feeley!! Are you a man or a machine? Robo-Feeley a-romping and a-stomping over the little guys without even giving them a bean to defend themselves. Exterminate!! Exterminate!! Dr Who? We've never heard of ya!! Pick on someone your own shoe size bully boy! Touchy-feely, I don't think!!

Marie Antoinette Hotchin - arenchasickofher? A-swishing and a-swanning over there in Ocker-land while your investors don't have a bowl of gruel to rub together. We know who is really to blame for Greece defaulting and global warming: Miss High-and-Mighty Hotchpotch, fiddling while Rome burns, that's who. To the barricades, chaps!! Bring your knitting!!

Mandy Hotchin, what a gal! Don't pick on our little Mandy-rella, standing by her hubby in his hour of need in her tatty last year's Yvonne Bennetti rags. Don't mind us, we're with the Mand!! You could be our Princess Di. Such a lovely jubbly lass, wouldn't hurt a fly!!

John Key, arenchasickofhim? Dr Evil!! Writing out cheques for one-squillion-dollaaars for all and sundry from his mini-me taxpayers. Oh be-have!!! Or we might have to write you a Dear John letter. Seeya!! Wouldn't want to be ya!!

John Key!! What a smile!! What a guy!! He's a-caring and a-sharing helping all those folks in need!! You can turn your key in my lock anytime!! Geddit?!!

Here they are Debbie's loaded Lotharios!!! Mark Weldon!! Well done Weldon! He's our champ raising $82 million for the earthquake appeal!! Pity you couldn't do the same for the stock exchange Marky but I'd still give you a medal!! Fwhoarr!! Rob Fyfe!! Foxy Fyfe kept his planes up in the air!! Takes more than a puff of ash to bring Air New Zealand's cap'n down to earth!! I'd inaugurate you into the mile high club Robbo!! Alasdair Thompson!!! Take no prisoners Thompson tellin' it like it is for our big bosses!! Those silly fillies who are always a-skiving and a-diving out of the office for their girly plumbing and costing us all a packet in the process!! I'll pull a sickie for you Al!!! Geddit??!!

* With apologies to Private Eye.

- NZ Herald

Get the news delivered straight to your inbox

Receive the day’s news, sport and entertainment in our daily email newsletter


Sort by
  • Oldest

© Copyright 2017, NZME. Publishing Limited

Assembled by: (static) on production bpcf04 at 23 Jan 2017 14:58:26 Processing Time: 504ms