Paul Casserly 's Opinion

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

Paul Casserly: 'It's not the end of the world' - TV's best quotes

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Jaime and Sally Ridge helped provide one of TV's best quotes this month. Photo / Supplied
Jaime and Sally Ridge helped provide one of TV's best quotes this month. Photo / Supplied

The 30 days of September have passed rather quickly haven't they? It's been a weird month. Thankfully the two stories that have put New Zealand on the map again - Kim Dotcom and that eel - were two separate stories, though I wouldn't put anything past our secret service.

To celebrate, here are the 10 best TV quotes I happened upon. Can you guess who said them?

1. "This is not the end of the world."
2. "It feels like flies crawling all over me."
3. "Dangerous, loud, and smelly."
4. "Oh my god, you have camel toe."
5. "Show us your tits."
6. "Maoris aren't meant to fly."
7. "But what about the pet hair you can't see?"
8. "The correct response to a stupid film on YouTube is to say it's a stupid film on YouTube and get on with your life."
9. "These koftas are not looking good."
10. "As far as I'm concerned, that bouquet in your hand may as well be a wreath."

The Answers:

1. "This is not the end of the world. There are 400 people at Solid Energy who have lost their jobs and don't know what they are going to do. I have options so you have to keep it in perspective." Mark Sainsbury continues to keep his dignity despite being fired in public.

2. "It feels like flies crawling all over me," said Charlene, the woman who tried to detox from booze on Campbell Live in Natasha Utting's moving story in four parts. Sadly the last episode revealed that Charlene had relapsed.

3. "Dangerous, loud, and smelly." Nothing to do with Mr Dotcom or the eel, instead it's how David Attenborough described a shag colony on one of his Natural World shows that seemed to be on an endless loop on Tuesday nights on TV One, not that anyone's complaining.

4. "Oh my god, you have camel toe." That's what Jaime Ridge said as she came across a decade-old snap of mum Sally in tight pants while flicking through a pile of hag-rags (New Idea, Woman's Day, etc). Other shockers included Matthew Ridge shirtless and Adam Parore witless.

5. "Show us your tits." You can hear the Australian accent can't you? The show is Underbelly Badness and boy did they deliver. When it comes to soft porn in prime time our western cousins are truly gifted.

6. "Maoris aren't meant to fly." Martin Crowe infamously suggested that Maori weren't suited to test cricket due to short attention spans or some such nonsense. But as far as I know he has not passed judgement on their aeronautical attributes. The quote in question was from a Maori dude who was one of the grateful, yet shaken, customers of the brilliant free medical flights run by Air Angels, as profiled on TV1's Sunday by Phil Vine.

7. "But what about the pet hair you can't see?" There's always something new to worry about but luckily, in the land of infomercials, there's always a new product to help. In this case it's a 'special' vacuum cleaner that deals to stuff you didn't know you needed to worry about. Sadly, there's no one new to sell these things so Suzanne Paul is currently peddling this amazing innovation in the wee hours.

8. "The correct response to a stupid film on YouTube is to say it's a stupid film on YouTube and get on with your life." That was Salman Rushdie's response to that moronic anti-Muslim film that sent all those people off the deep end. Rushdie, you may recall, wrote the supposedly blasphemous Satanic Verses, hence the fatwa that forced him into hiding for nearly a decade. Good to see he still champions the notion of free speech. I like that in a blasphemer.

9. "These koftas are not looking good." Salman Rushdie wasn't so happy with the koftas offered to him at the greenroom at CNN. "They were as dry as camel's balls," said the great author, going for the Burger Rings instead. Nah, just japes, that's actually Thomas from My Kitchen Rules just before he and Carla got the boot. The promos for the show talked him up as "the most hated man in New Zealand" but in the end we all just felt a little sorry for him, even as we enjoyed his tantrums. He's certainly one of the more entertaining reality stars of the year, along with the cast of The GC, the Ridge rat and that "Ching Chong" girl from NZGT.

10. "As far as I'm concerned, that bouquet in your hand may as well be a wreath." A wedding on Coronation Street always means trouble, and so it was when Peter Barlow told blushing bride Leanne that he wasn't cool with her shagging Nick, her simpering ex who's a strange combination of meercat and sex offender.

If you guessed 1 - 7 correctly you're an infidel, over 7 and you're obviously part of the GCSB.

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Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

It began with Dr Who, in black and white, when it was actually scary. The addiction took hold with Chips, in colour. He made his mum knit a Starsky and Hutch cardigan. Later, Twin Peaks would blow what was left of his mind. He’s been working in radio and TV since the 1990s and has an award in his pool room for Eating Media Lunch.

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