The highs and lows of another week on Planet Sport
It is a truth universally acknowledged that it's a hard road finding the perfect woman. So, imagine getting to the end of that hard road and getting your arse kicked by said perfect woman.
Sisters Xiao Lin, 22, and Yin, 21 - a pair of Chinese warrior princesses, no less - are insisting that would-be mates match them in a kung-fu tournament before there'll be any putting out. Hopeful suitors must survive the three-day kung fu competition involving archery, carrying heavy weights over sharpened bamboo spears and other tests of B-grade movie toughness.
The two men - veritable Van Dammes - who top the tournament then each face one of the sisters in full-contact combat.
"They can choose open hand or any weapon they wish, but we won't be holding back," Xiao said. "If they can't beat us, they aren't worthy."
Who said romance is dead?
Over in Russia, they're serious about kicking racism out of soccer, in fact you could say their 2018/22 World Cup bid is looking whiter than white. Russian sports agent Vladimir Abramov tells Sport.ru about Nigerians: "Teams shouldn't have more than one dark-skinned footballer. When there's more than one they are aggressive."
Really? Go on, Vlad. "Look, I am very respectful towards blacks: among them are very good people with whom I have made friends. But Russia isn't ready for them. That's the way it is."
Getting the goat
In Egypt, they like their scapegoats obvious. When the defending Africa Cup of Nations champions were beaten 1-0 by Niger in qualifying for the 2012 tournament, they blamed a goat. Egyptian fans on Cairo radio have claimed the goat paraded around the ground before kick-off had magical powers to destroy their players' concentration.
As our own nation has exhausted the potential for blaming non-existent tea-pouring waitresses for World Cup defeat, let's jack up a sheep as a, er, scapesheep for next year.
Speaking of which, tomorrow is one year until the day of the Rugby World Cup final. We'd mark it in our diary, but we're not much interested in watching France v South Africa.
Laughing in Liverpool
With Liverpool's chucklesome plight in the Premier League reaching new depths, some observers have suggested a change to the sign at John Lennon Airport: "Above us only sky. Below us only West Ham."
Whip hand for Max
Bernie Ecclestone's one-man mission to make even the most nutty of us feel quite rational goes on.
"I get myself into so much trouble when I say these things but I don't think democracy is the way to run anything."
So who would make a good Prime Minister, Bernie? "Max Mosley would have been a very good Prime Minister. Max would've been ideal. He would know how to handle things. Max had an awful lot going for him. Maybe people thought he was too clever."
Too clever? Maybe. Maybe also too much the son of the founder of British fascism.
Tweet of the week
Some people think professional sportsmen have too much spare time on their hands and are out of touch with the concerns of common people. Via the medium of Twitter, Cory Jane explains:
CoryJane1080 OMG Just put a bit of blonde in my hair but think I went a little over board cos I look like a #KenBarbieDoll now.