Toby Manhire reveals Andrew Little's secret emails

Turns out the scandal around MP Chris Hipkins' emails getting intercepted by Parliamentary Services is just the tip of the gelato. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Turns out the scandal around MP Chris Hipkins' emails getting intercepted by Parliamentary Services is just the tip of the gelato. An overzealous firewall encryption created a wormhole within the kernel-hardened buffer-overflow, which was promptly exploited by fugitive hacker Lambshank while using the Eft-pos at Bellamy's. The results: a trove of emails from Labour leader Andrew Little's inbox. Herewith, the highlights.

From Andrew Little:
Dear Mr Little, I am writing to you as the chief of staff in the Labour leader's office, a position I am filling in an interim capacity following Matt McCarten's completely strategically planned unexpected relocation to Auckland. It has come to my attention that a TVNZ poll is about to be published, which is pretty shithouse as far as we're concerned, and requires a response underlining our comparatively benign internal polling. I am copying in the chief press secretary for thoughts. Warmest regards.

From Shane Jones:
Relax! The exalted disquisitions and lofty perorations that circulate over Jonesy's putative perambulation towards the Winstonian waka are but hollow hypothecations, e hoa! You have no cause to fear, for when the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea, etcetera. True about the book, though, going to be a bloody cracker.

From Annette King:
I'm not saying we're falling short, simply that a troop of woolly grey lemurs on the opposition benches would've had Nick Smith sacked by now. Have fun in Canada. Would love a Justin Trudeau trinket, signed ideally.

From Andrew Little:
In answer to the CoS's note about this TVNZ poll, here are my thoughts in my role as acting chief press secretary to the leader of the Labour Party. We can't call it "shithouse", that won't play with middle New Zealand. Suggest eg sham, bogus, codswallop, lamestream, sheeple, clickbait, hocus pocus, criminal, treasonous, a basket of deplorables, or similar. They say don't pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel but according to our data team TVNZ don't have a print product. Let's go with "bogus".

From Matt McCarten:
Found a nice spot in Wynyard Quarter, easy walk to town, good sun. Parking's tricky. Looking at a place this afternoon in Pt Chevalier, just up the road from the beach. It's true what they say about prices up here, eh!

From Helen Clark:
My advice to you is this: social media. I've been embracing the full array of opportunities to share my learnings with ordinary individuals all over the world. I'm on a range of platforms, reaching out, disrupting, engaging, discoursing. It's going pretty well out there on the information superhighway and I suggest you jump on board. Only a matter of time until the permanent members of the United Nations Security Council encounter my relatable content on Snapchat and then they'll drop that well-known [redacted] East European [redacted] woman, Mr António Guterres of Portugal, like a stone.

From Andrew Little:
CoS here. I think the word we were looking for was "rogue". No matter, good work releasing the internal poll, that should make sure the media stop talking about the polls.

From Metiria Turei:
Sorry, no. The memorandum does not extend to seconding staffers. Get your own. Xx

From Shane Jones:
What kind of book, I sense you are wondering. A novel, actually. It tells the story of an itinerant troubadour-rangatira, a swashbuckling but easy-going fellow travelling the Pacific in a rambunctious blur of turquoise seas, well-appointed resorts, kai moana and bringing children out of poverty by embracing sensible centre-right politics. I've already nailed the beginning: It was a dark and stormy night, etcetera.

From Andrew Little:
Press boss here. Good news. Just completed some internal polling of senior Labour Party figures in this Toronto transit lounge and the verdict is A+. Just reading my own notes here from an inflight brainstorm: Jeremy Corbyn's beard, ethnic chefs, pneumonia. Let's take it from there.

From Phil Goff:
Hi there! Thanks for getting in touch re: "Please reply Phil we really need you man I'm begging you". We'll respond just as soon as we can, but in the meantime, for more on my campaign For A Better Auckland, click here.

From Colin Craig:
Hello.

From the NZ Herald legal team:
Don't be a dick, Toby, you obviously can't do one of your "joke" made-up emails from Colin Craig this week.

From Toby Manhire:
OK fine.

From Winston Peters:
Listen, sunshine, you want to know something about polls, I'll tell you something about polls. With all due respect our numbers are demonstrably doubled, tripled, bubbledy-diddled, what, who was that, come here and say that you bloody coward. And I'll tell you another thing about polling, a good one this - there's a man from Warsaw and a man from Peking and they walk into a bar, and [redacted].

From David Cunliffe:
Attaching some more lyrics, "Je t'aime, Juzza". Don't suppose if you get a chance you could give them to the Trudster?

From Matt McCarten:
Or maybe Parnell. Good coffee and so on. Tricky call.

From John Key:
Say hi to Justin, what a guy, what a flag. And don't worry about the polling, mate, at least you're not coming eighth with seven discourage-votes.

From Helen Clark:
I heard that.

From Andrew Little:
I'm writing in my capacity as an ordinary hard working Kiwi on struggle street, just to say I've been polling my internal feelings and the results suggest you're doing bloody well, building the base, reaching out, all that, you know, anyway chin up! Bring us something nice back from Canada.