Toby Manhire is a Wellington-bred, Auckland-based journalist.

Toby Manhire: Huffing and puffing on the hustings

NZ First leader, Winston Peter. Photo / Lewis Gardiner
NZ First leader, Winston Peter. Photo / Lewis Gardiner


TO: >NZFootsoldiers<

RE: Winston

Where do they get off? First he came to steal our policy, then he came to steal our role exposing the sale of farmland to the Chinese. But listen up, Mr Colin, you single-breasted upstart, you're a toddler taking on a virile, barrel-chested 21-year-old. You cannot steal this hair. And no one wants to take you to the Torbay ball. That's right.

The sight of these marauding gangs of foreign, these Shanghai penguins, swiping their foreign credit cards through the pastures of New Zealand - it is enough to make you sick. I feel sick. You may say this looks like a gigantic Cheshire grin beaming light around the room, but it is a grimace, a pained grimace.

Let me say this unequivocally: whether we are in government, on the cross-benches, or cruising on the Interislander, NZ First will not be doing the bidding of foreign interests.

And how many times do I have to tell you, unless you're an idiot - are you an idiot? - because this could not be clearer and you don't need a degree in rocket science to see it, and that is my guarantee to the people of New Zealand. That's right.

What's Chinese for teapot tapes?


FROM: >Team-Key-war-room<


RE: Strategy update #521

Where does Cunliffe get off stealing our "tenants in our own land" rhetoric? I'm furious, you're furious, we're all furious. But breathe. Stop, pause. Engage. Kick to the corners. Play to the whistle. Hardworking Kiwis. Operational matter. Winston always does this. Xenophobes. Don't be silly. They're still tricky. Winston always does this. Where do they get off? Play to the whistle. Up and down the country. Relaxed. Kick to the whistle. Tricky to the corner. What? Working for New Zealand.




RE: FW: RE: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: A fresh start

Things are looking up. I've just seen numbers indicating that we've gone almost an hour without a negative headline, depending on what you mean by negative. The Lochinver sale offers us an opportunity to press home our position on a point of principle, the principle being that there is an election in a few weeks' time. This is an issue that really matters to hard-working Kiwis up and down the Cunliffe preferred PM numbers.

No more Mr Sorry Guy. Get out there and destroy them. Positively.


P.S. We need to talk about Kelvin.



Re: A river runs through it

Internet-Mana nicking our policy. Where do they get off? Next thing they'll be Control-C'ing our Green Card student transport vibe. What a hit. So many selfies. See attached for a souped up option for students over 65: the Green-Gold Card. The driver pays the passenger a fare.


FROM: ><

TO: >Colin's Angels<

RE: Happy as

Hi team, big hug. Look you might think I'm unhappy about Winston stealing our thunder on the Lochinver Station revelations but that's just plain wrong, wrong, wrong. Could. Not. Be. Happier. Yes I couldn't, friends! We never wanted that thunder anyway really, just like we never wanted East Coast Bays giftwrapped with a beautiful big bow in two tones of blue, and anyone who says different is either harebrained or a mind-reader.

Got some more ideas for slogans. "Don't be a lunatic, be a light-blue-natic!" Or: "Only CC ees tasting like thees!" Also: "The Conservatives: We're crankin', We're spankin', we're Rankin."

CC :-)

P.S. Found some more really interesting stuff on what happened to MH370 last night, I'll send round the links later.

FROM: ><

TO: >Dotcompaloopas<

RE: John Key

Wow. How awesome is this helicopter roadshow? I love what you guys are doing but as visionary I want to see more innovation, and more dancing, you know?

One idea is to buy Lochinver Station and disrupt it into a MegaClub startup hub where we move our bodies to the music and play video games and make John Key milk cows all day and all night.Awesome.

Wait, I dropped some more rhymes for you guys. "Flip the PM coming straight from the cyberside, young innovator got it bad cos he's wired. The Maori and Kim had years of suffering, better watch out cause Kim-Dog's buffering." Wow, right?


FROM: >YouKnowItMakesSense46<

TO: ><

RE: Aristocracy

You look unleashed, alone, lost as a possum in the Arctic circle. That privileged-Maori outburst has seen you sent up and shot down. Shocking. Outrageous. You bloody beauty.


FROM: >JuCo<

TO: >NAT-INT-PARL<, >Team-Key-war-room<

RE: RE: Strategy update #412

You've been working awfully hard, Steven. Best, we all think, if I take it from here.


- NZ Herald

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Toby Manhire is a Wellington-bred, Auckland-based journalist.

Toby Manhire is a Wellington bred, Auckland based journalist. He writes a weekly column for the NZ Herald, the NZ Listener's Internaut column, blogs for, and contributes to the Guardian. From 2000 to 2010 he worked at the Guardian in London, and edited the 2012 book The Arab Spring: Rebellion, Revolution and a New World Order.

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