By now we should've had our TV awards but there are none this year. The Moas, or the Rialto Channel New Zealand Film Awards as they're now known, came to the rescue of the film industry, but TV remains, for this year at least, un-awarded.
What a sorry state of affairs.
That is, until now. After consulting with my laptop and talking to a few homeless-looking people at the bus stop, I can now reveal The 2013 (insert sponsor's name here) Bitchin' Channels Interim TV awards.
The Mike Valentine Award for hounding people who most probably deserve to be hounded except for the ones who are just mentally ill:
Winner: Campbell Live's Rebecca Wright. For her industrial-strength badgering of all manner of people, especially Winston Peters at the airport and poor old John Palino at his PO Box.
Not so keen on the current campaign against Anthony Ray Parker though, that seems pretty stink to hound him on behalf of his son.
The Te Radar award for services to Te Reo:
Jim "I'm not even going to attempt that" Hickey. It comes up every year but Jim still struggles with Maori Language Week. He does a great Mad Butcher impersonation though and that was kind of cool when he threatened to kill Jimmy Spithill.
The "That Guy" award for making 7 Days worth watching again:
Leigh Hart, whose appearances on 7 Days have been a welcome addition to the long-running show.
The 'Thank God they got rid of that talking frog from UB40, this guy is way better' award.
NZ's Got Talent's new judge Chris Judd is charming and can actually string words together into actual sentences so that's good.
The Oscar the Grouch award for unlikely transformation of a comedian into a troubled cop:
Oscar Kightley as the depressed cop Harry, the best looking drama we've ever made.
The Madeleine Sami award for taking us on uncomfortable comedic journeys:
Once again Super City moved us in ways that no other show does. Madeleine also takes home the gong for the best comedy character of the decade - with her inspired Ofa Faka'apa'apa.
The Pink Frost award for having more cast members than The Chills had band members:
Seven Sharp. Now the show is featuring people who look like they have wandered into the wrong room, a bit like Guy Goma, that dude who showed up to the BBC looking for a job and ended up being interviewed by mistake.
The Campbell Live award for not being Seven Sharp:
Campbell Live, which stuck to its knitting and delivered the goods with standout campaigns and live-wire stoushes that were way better than recent boxing matches, especially the ones with Sonny Bill Williams.
The three most uncomfortable moments on TV award:
1. As a former Black Cap Mark Richardson has been through some pretty gruelling times but even he seemed shaken to his core as the first few auctions failed to take off on The Block, leaving popular contestants Pete and Andy looking like the brothers grim.
2. The Paul Henry and Samantha Hayes train wreck at the NZ Music Awards. To paraphrase Roger Sterling of Mad Men: "You realise you just s*** your pants up there don't you?" (The magic doesn't happen here till about 13.20)
3. 'Little' Guy Williams asking All Black Andrew Hore: "Why don't you like seals?"
The most intentionally uncomfortable moment on TV award:
Jono and Ben at 10's Guy Williams interviewing the self styled head of the Pakeha party with an all-Maori film crew.
The 'That's good journalism' even if I do say so myself award:
As awarded by Duncan Garner on his own show, 3rd Degree - though admittedly not to his own stories. "That's good journalism", he'd say to Guyon Espiner - after one of his typically solid stories.
The incontinent bovine award for outstanding services to humour in advertising:
That NZI Insurance ad with the amazeballs 3D animation that ends with a defecating cow. What's not to love?
The best performance by a small bald guy in an advert featuring some All Blacks:
That small bald guy in those ads featuring some All Blacks.
The Weightwatchers cruel-to-be-kind award for public fat shaming.
Seven Sharp's Greg Boyed whose widely reported text outburst has been inspirational, according to at least one BBW* I know. "I read that and thought now's the time to make a change." She is now also wheat and gluten free, and loving it. "I'd really like to thank Greg" she said, "he's even inspired me to take up Zumba."
The Anna Guy award for unexpected fame:
Bevan Chuang and that small bald guy from that All Blacks ad.
Best Hair (prime time):
Sacha McNeil from 3 News. "Consistent, sleek and shiny" said a woman I canvassed on the street. What do you reckon about Wendy Petrie I asked? "She's well turned out, and her voice doesn't annoy me as much as it used to."
Best Hair (daytime):
No award given after it was discovered that Rawdon Christie is WEARING A RUG!
The 'Some channels are so good it's not even really worth streaming or downloading' award:
Soho and increasingly Rialto. Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, Masters of Sex, Treme, Ray Donovan and re-runs of Madmen have made Soho well worth the cash, ditto Rialto's Thursday documentaries and series like The Story of Film and the exquisite Rebound.
The two best New Zealand shows on TV award:
This Town and New Zealand Stories. Wonderfully ordinary people celebrated in prime time.
The best show on CNN award:
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown. Even better than The Food Truck or MKR.
The best show on the BBC award:
Dateline London - Gavin Esler's weekly roundup of international news with leading foreign correspondents is a crash course in world affairs.
The best online show I saw thanks to a friend who sent a link and said YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS award.
High Maintenance is a work of genius about a New York pot dealer created by husband and wife team Ben Sinclair and Katja Blichfeld.
The National Radio award for the show most likely to outrage members of the afternoon panel to use words like "ghastly" before banging on about their trip to the Venice Biennale:
Winner: Embarrassing Bodies.
The best thing ever on Parliament TV, and the best moment in Maurice Williamson's life award:
The coverage of the passing of the marriage equality act in which Williamson killed with his "enormous big gay rainbow" routine and this, when it was pointed out that he had mispronounced the word 'celibacy': "I haven't done it so I don't know what it's about."
And finally ...
The Hilary Pankhurst Trophy (Formerly the Judith Kirk Shield):
Winner: Hilary Barry. Twenty years on screen and still the most likely to break into the giggles at just the right time. Not so much the 'mother of the nation' as your favourite aunty after a couple of glasses of cougar-juice**.
Bring on the next 20.
* Big Beautiful Woman.
** Pinot Gris.