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Home / Business

Peter Bromhead: Luxury throne room

NZ Herald
13 Jun, 2013 09:30 PM2 mins to read

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Cartoon / Peter Bromhead

Cartoon / Peter Bromhead

Opinion by

The last thing you expect to encounter in tropical Hawaii is an electrically heated toilet seat.

Upgraded to a hotel suite - thanks to the caregiver's generosity in celebrating my birthday recently - I experienced accommodation where the suite's three toilets occupied a space larger than my entire Auckland apartment.

Being a simple, working-class boy, I approached these "luxury" throne rooms with some hesitation. The lid covers carried a large warning notice, stating the precautions to be exercised with plugged-in toilets.

Having been traumatised by a lightning strike on our Honolulu-bound aircraft, I naturally felt some nervousness at further encounters with anything involving high voltage.

I resolved these apprehensions by persuading my small son to use the facilities first. If a 7-year-old can survive spraying the entire toilet area, as small children tend to do, then I presumed it would be safe for me to follow.

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It took me another three days to pluck up the courage to try the thrones' various oscillating buttons, provided in a battery of wall-mounted switches similar to a fighter jet's control panel.

I was glad each toilet had an emergency telephone, presumably provided in case an ablution spun out of control.

American hospitality continues to baffle. So-called executive suites provide enormous lounges and numerous TV monitors, plus the usual super-king-size beds and gargantuan cabinetry - but only a single teabag in the refreshment cupboard.

When it comes to tea-making facilities or alcohol, you're better off in a motel in Huntly or Eketahuna.

I presumed the solitary teabag provided was a mistake, but each morning, housekeeping religiously refilled the storage container with one teabag - even though the suite was clearly occupied by four guests.

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One of the refreshing reasons for visiting Hawaii is escaping New Zealand's booze culture.

Strolling the sidewalks late at night in Honolulu without encountering drunken teenagers was an unaccustomed pleasure.

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Strict ID inspection before ordering alcohol is mandatory; even at 80 I had to produce identification before they'd serve me a glass of wine.

This unintentional flattery makes up for the latest suggestion that I'm over the hill: clearing airport security as an octogenarian, I no longer have to be finger printed or remove my shoes.

Apparently, I'm considered too doddery to be a threat to America.

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