Latest Lambshank dispatch reveals world leaders all want to retreat to NZ while Joyce has a good old time.

Hoodie-wearing criminal hacker and Pokemon Go grandmaster Lambshank has exploited a wormhole in a reality-augmented egg incubator to thieve a cache of emails addressed to the New Zealand Prime Minister. And once you get past the friend requests from list MPs, John Key's Hotmail inbox contains several memos that demand publication in the public interest and so on. Excerpts follow . . .

From Steven Joyce

The so-called opposition continue to bleat about housing like Play School presenters on P. Just as I predicted, they have presented a "plan". I'll be responding on behalf of our several housing ministers. There are two clear options available to us. Announce that their "plan" is tripe, nonsense, unworkable, naive. Alternatively, we announce that we are pursuing this plan already. Leave it with me. I'll fire up the social media content interface. Enjoy London!

From Bill English


Steven has been tweeting. He has announced that Labour's housing plan is a rubbish plan that we're already pursuing. And he seems to have just cancelled the Housing NZ dividend.

From Paula Bennett

Good progress on the comprehensive plan to stop people calling it a housing crisis. Have circulated a memo to caucus with the following mnemonic: "Don't say crisis, sounds like Isis, it's a challenge, a bit like Nigel Farage." Thoughts?

From David Cameron

Matey Patatey! Such a treat to catch up. Capital. Meant to say: find myself at a loose end. Anything going on down your way for former world leaders who have accidentally withdrawn their countries from crucial transnational blocs? Can I come stay?

From Nick Smith

More comprehensive housing plan ideas. Data. Pokemon. Gingerbread. Reserve Bank. Corduroy. The internet. Waterbeds. There's more. Call me.

From Helen Clark

As you travel the world, you are henceforth to describe yourself as "the Prime Minister of New Zealand, a small country that may not be in Eastern Europe but is in the South Pacific and with a proud, independent, diplomatic history whence a United Nations secretary-general has never come". All right? Practise. More instructions to follow.

From Steven Joyce

We continue to pummel the so-called opposition on the housing growth challenge opportunity agenda. They have become unaccountably obsessed with the Housing NZ dividend and the Government plan to demand it, which we have been comprehensively and unequivocally clear about since yesterday. Enjoy Paris!

From Judith Collins

Well. What a mess our friends in the mother country have got themselves into. Oh, yes they have. Lending them a trade negotiator or two is a very sweet thought, and I'm 100 per cent in support, but couldn't we do a bit more? In light, John, of the many and varied challenges faced by the Conservative Party, it is my strong suggestion that we depute some of our finest strategic thinkers on secondments " as long as it takes. I've consulted widely, and the most perfectly fine strategic thinkers are Steven Joyce and Paula Bennett. We'll miss them, of course we will, but we shall soldier on! Toodle-pip!

From Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Associate Judge of the US Supreme Court

I wasn't kidding. If Donald wins can I come stay?

From An Ordinary Chinese Citizen

Dear Mr Key, I am an Ordinary Citizen of the People's Republic of China, writing on behalf of my compatriots to politely inform you that the bogus arbitration by fraudulent bodies over the South China Sea is NULL and VOID and no better than a poop in a bathroom, and these are not opinions but facts, and we hope you enjoyed that cup of tea you finished four-and-a-half minutes ago, it looked good.

From US Vice-President Joe Biden

Dear Jeff, I could not be more excited to be visiting your proud and hospitable land. I am only now learning the "lingo" but I look forward to catching up "koala to koala".

From Steven Joyce

In response to your email, allow me to clarify. Our position is simple: we are not interested in dividends, we are interested in divid-beginnings. Enjoy Jakarta!

From Boris Johnson

By crikey, old fruit. One day you're the cock of the walk, the next you're the feather duster, and then the day after that you're the Foreign bloody Secretary. Thezza wants me to begin immediately, to reach out across the globe or some such poppycock, avoiding Europe and all other poor widdle countwies whose feelings I've hurt. So it's down to your gaff, Keysie. Can I come stay? Grass skirts and nose banging ahoy!

From Kieran Read

Don't know who this is - maybe Jono or Ben or someone. Very funny and everything but you're dreaming if you think I'm going to believe the Prime Minister is emailing twice a day offering a knighthood to a test captain in his first season. Keep it up and I'm calling the cops.

From Malcolm Turnbull

I've been staring into a mirror, trying to perfect that thing you do with the eyes and the corners of your mouth, but all I see is a cavernous void, a tiny, blinking light escaping in the distance, the bleak, coruscating jaw of Pauline Hanson. Can I come stay for a bit? Even better, can Tony Abbott?

From Nick Smith

Funny thing, no one replying to emails. You finding that? Must be another IT problem. What do you really think about the Tay-Tay-Hiddleston liaison? Can't make up my mind! Please call.

From Moonbeam

I used to like that David Cameron but according to Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph his affection for Larry was a sham and he's leaving the poor boy at No 10 when he departs. For shame. Give that dishonourable cad a big gooby, Zika-ridden ****-you fur ball from me, will you, Dad? I know you won't let me down. Miss you guys. Bring gifts.

From Tony Blair

Listen, bit of a pickle. Could I come stay? I can be with you whenever.