Jem Beedoo: Reality check needed over high opinion of ourselves

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Auckland is a factory of vehicular traffic and over-priced suburbia teetering on an acne-scarred volcanic isthmus, says Beedoo. Photo / Brett Phibbs
Auckland is a factory of vehicular traffic and over-priced suburbia teetering on an acne-scarred volcanic isthmus, says Beedoo. Photo / Brett Phibbs

Dearest tourist and foreign investor: welcome to New Zeabrand. Do you like it here? Can you see yourself revisiting this land of long white clouds and fat flat whites where the beer tastes the same across the board, the wine is overrated and the surf leaves you cold?

We are a country boasting a psycho-cultural mishmash of rural niggle, suburban hostility, coastal ideals, super city ego, ski-stroked alps and pig-butchered hills and valleys. We are a couple of big South Pacific islands where the only thing hot is the womenfolk - hot in the sense you get burned to death.

In any case, do you like it here? We really are a Mecca for overseas investment even though housing is unaffordable for locals. Our capital Wellington isn't just capital in the political sense, but in the artistic-cultural sense, as well. We built Sir Peter Jackson and the filmscapes, who and which haul in the hundreds of millions, in more ways than one. What do you think?

As a matter of fact, Wellington is the most confident city in the universe, as it's overwhelmingly tax-funded. You don't have to worry, though, if you have no money, the rest of New Zeabrand is happy to give.

Oh, Lord, stuck in Auckland again. We are extremely hated by the rest of New Zeabrand but we can't see why: we're actually very bloody boring. A factory of vehicular traffic and over-priced suburbia teetering on an acne-scarred volcanic isthmus where the noise emanating from a party is not at all tolerated. A social, drinks party, that is. Those confident cons in political parties can make all the noise they want, but we don't mind because they're 800km away in wondrous Wellington.

Do you like it here? Auckland is the City of Sails but only the few people who are cashed up can actually enjoy the delights of the sail. On that note, you don't want to visit the North Shore: their people aren't nice and their beaches are honestly nothing to write home about. And if Auckland is the subject of New Zeabrand's derision, Takapuna plays that role of victim for and within Auckland - never mind that anarchism was, in fact, invented by a Russian aristocrat - if you hail from Takapuna or Devonport, you're fair freakin' game.

Do you like New Zeabrand? We don't exactly like other New Zeabranders with dough, but we're delighted to take yours as a tourist and a great deal of it. We have expectations of being the greatest people in the world, but we just end up the victims of mass Residentia in a wannabe Los Angelestic community. But, you're thanking goodness we're not LA, I'll bet.

Hey, speaking of foreign investment, would you like to come to our wedding? It'll cost you cash to finance our Moneymoon. We don't want presents, for we not only have acquired the essential domesticities in our living happily together pre-maritally, we also don't trust your taste in linen.

And how about those religious icons, The All Blacks? Aren't they just our greatest brewery-sponsored export? Their brand is ever growing and expanding into new and youthful markets. Croatians and North Americans love us these days, even.

Next time I'm abroad, can you pay me to stay with you? I am from New Zeabrand after all.

- NZ Herald

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