Jack Tame: We're all headed for the big blender in the sky

Soon we'll all be sucked up into nothing. Photo / Getty Images
Soon we'll all be sucked up into nothing. Photo / Getty Images

It brings me great sadness to report that this could be my final column. It might just be your final column as well, your final Sunday paper.

Are you enjoying that coffee? Savour it. Have another chocolate chip muffin while you're at it and smear that thing with as much butter as it will take. Cholesterol doesn't matter now.

Nothing much matters.

If anything, a few extra folds hanging off your hips could mean an extra second or two on Earth before we're all sucked up into nothing.

As a keen observer of Mayan prophecies I've embraced the impending end of humanity with enthusiasm and contentment.

Attitude is everything, you know, and, with a positive disposition, one can seek out a silver lining in even the darkest clouds of Armageddon. I've reassured myself that being sucked into a black hole with six billion other souls should be an interesting status update on my Facebook account, and will at least make for a fast end - like going to sleep in a giant blender.

In Mexico they're panicking.

My Spanish teacher, with whom I liaise on Skype, informs me people have been fleeing her southern Mexico town for destinations on the opposite side of the Earth. The theory, presumably, is that if the ground opens up in Mexico, they'll at least get a whirlwind tour of continental Europe before being vacuumed up with everyone else and squashed like an empty Coke can. My teacher herself seems none too concerned, though in recent weeks I've noticed her distinct lack of enthusiasm for revising irregular verbs.

Yes, it seems the Republicans on election night had it right, though, if anything, they understated the consequences. The Obama victory on November 6 not only spelled the end of America, but indeed the end of the world. If the US had voted in Newt Gingrich there could've been a colony on the moon by now. Still, with only days of existence remaining, the President's Administration has made the highly unusual step of actively reassuring its constituents that mankind isn't immediately doomed.

"Scary Rumours about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumours" read the headline on the Government's official blog (a consistently exhilarating read). "The world will not end on December 21, 2012," It continues, "or any day in 2012."

The blog dribbles on with input from some senior planetary scientist at Nasa who claims to have received thousands of letters from concerned people feeling ill and anxious at the thought of our communal demise.

The planets will not align, he says. Best not to over-butter your muffin.

But science, schmience, I say.

Obama and Nasa and everyone in America need to wake up and accept that resistance a week out is futile. If anything, the signs in recent months have stared us all in the face. An All Blacks test loss. A Black Caps test victory.

Suggestions that a US Federal Government may actually consider meaningful climate change legislation.

The Earth's equilibrium is indeed spinning out of control.

So, take my advice, enjoy your final days and don't bother with the Christmas crowds at Westfield. But as you wind down your final hours, it may pay to pack a lunch - there'll be queues on the other side.
On the off-chance the world doesn't end on December 21, Jack Tame will be back in the Herald on Sunday next week. Next month he will begin hosting the Saturday morning show on Newstalk ZB, taking over from Paul Holmes, who has retired.

- Herald on Sunday

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