To Earl Joe and Lyle Penisula
Dear Earl and Lyle,
I thought I should get in touch because I saw where you guys are telling people I can cure cancer. I hate to tell you this, but the fact you can make such a claim shows you don't really understand me. Or cancer.
I don't want to get all high and mighty about this. After all, we could have one hell of an intellectual property stoush on our hands here, but the truth is that so many people claim to be the only ones who know what I think that I gave up trying to protect my IP a long time ago.
And to be honest, when I heard what you guys were saying I was flattered. But then I saw that all the people you were claiming I cured were also having orthodox medical treatment. Boy, that made me feel really special.
So let me be clear. I can't cure cancer. Or warts. Accounts of my superhuman powers are greatly exaggerated.
I can't even turn water into wine, so dispensing with a disease that thousands of people have been trying to cure for more than a century is out of my league.
Also, to tell you the truth, I'm not hugely into churches telling people they can have whatever they want just by believing in me, in general.
All I ever wanted people to do was love each other and be kind to each other. In my day - just like in yours - people were fighting over all kinds of crazy stuff.
I figured if they could step back and imagine how they would like other people to treat them and do the same themselves, that would solve all sorts of problems. Naive? Maybe. I live in hope. By the way, if all this sounds familiar it's because the Dalai Lama basically ripped off my whole act.
Anyway, about cancer. I'm not sure if you realise how terrified people are of cancer. (Or maybe you do.) It's probably the scariest disease there is, with many incurable versions and a lot of pain involved along the way to a cure, when there is one, or death if there isn't.
That's why a lot of people who get it act irrationally and fly to Mexico and other places to try all sorts of "cures" that give plenty of hope but not much in the way of results.
Bet you didn't know that, in January, Mexico introduced controls on ads for cancer cures. Every year in Mexico, they kill each other in their thousands over drugs, but even they draw the line at fake cancer cures.
People whose children have cancer can totally freak out because they love their kids so much, and they will try anything if they think it may save their lives.
By the way, I Googled you guys and the first result I got was in an online business directory. You might want to look into that. And what's with that name anyway? Do you sell camping gear?
I also found out that "Equippers Church Hawke's Bay and the Equippers Network are part of Acts Churches New Zealand (formerly known as the Apostolic Church Movement of New Zealand)" so hopefully you've now got a name you can live with. In fact, I hope you can live with yourselves, period.
A charasmatic dinner guest
Next time the United States Government wants to make an example of someone for allegedly perpetrating a victimless crime that simply reflects the way the world is changing, I recommend they choose someone less charismatic than Kim Dotcom. Every time I see this obviously intelligent, reasonable, eloquent and charming man, all I want to do is invite him around for dinner.
Well, maybe not dinner.