From the age of 12 or so, every single night I would get into bed and find myself reciting one simple, heartfelt prayer to sweet baby Jesus in heaven.
World peace? Not quite.
A lottery win so my parents could retire? Nope.
A lifetime supply of Maccas Happy meals? Negative.
I would lie in bed and earnestly pray with all my might to wake up with smaller boobs.
Of course I never did wake up with B cups. If anything they grew larger as I grew older until my boobs entered a room before I did.
Now if you're thinking that would have been every teenage girl's dream — think again. I felt less 'Katy Perry Teenage Dream' and more 'Whoopi Goldberg Sister Act' with those F cups under my school uniform. Plus I was terrified of boys until I turned 20 so to make matters worse, they weren't even being truly enjoyed during their years of prime perkiness.
Even when I graduated to a time in life when members of the opposite sex were in fact enjoying my assets (sorry Mum), I still most certainly was not.
To be perfectly honest, and I know I'm not alone in this, for the majority of my adult life I've felt my breasts to be a burden. And not just in a metaphorical sense. They have literally weighed my shoulders down, causing migraines and back pain. For years, my shoulders had permanent indentations from the industrial strength bra straps that held my breasts up and away from my bellybutton for 12 hours a day.
My fellow big-breasted sisters will be reading this and furiously nodding in solidarity. In fact — if you have been blessed with your own generous set of lady lumps — perhaps one of the following scenarios rings more than true.
Big boob problems
When bra shopping ...
"Sexy bras? Hilarious! Nope, I'll just take the one with the 16 hooks at the back and straps the width of a freeway. Oh and it only comes in nude? Great. I so enjoy paying $89 to look like I'm wearing a maternity bra my grandmother may have sported in 1953."
When getting dressed up ...
"Great, I'm the only bridesmaid who seems to have gone through puberty AND the bride has chosen a delightful strapless number. I can't wait to permanently scar the minds of any young children who attend this wedding with the inevitable pornographic display that will be my cleavage."
When at the beach ...
"What was that, friend with B cups? I can borrow your bikini since its 30 degrees and I didn't bring my bathers? Hmm let me see yep that ALMOST covers my nipple — but no I'm not sure the string on this thing is sturdy enough to defy the force of gravity that is my breasts. At this point I'm worried I might step on one."
When sleeping ...
Sexy lingerie? It's a no.
Sleeping on your stomach? It's a no.
Silently worrying all night that sleeping without a bra on will make them even saggier than they are now? Yes.
But alas, there's hope! And I'm not just talking about the surgical kind (which can be a life-changing, positive experience if you decide to go down that route). While I may not be a plastic surgeon or a professional bra fitter, I've dealt with the daily battles of big boobs for 18 years, and have learned a couple of hacks that may help some of my well-endowed sisters out there.
Big boob hacks
Know your actual size
This is PARAMOUNT for every lady, no matter the size of your ladies. Our boobs change size over time, so you want to make sure the bra you're wearing is the most supportive option for you right now. Most good lingerie and department stores have professional fitters — boob whisperers if you will — that can help you find your perfect bra size and shape.
Find a brand that works for you
I'm a big fan of Freya for everyday bras and bikinis (they go up to a K cup), Lonely Label for something a little more special (they go up to an F) and Under Armour for sports bras. It may take a little extra effort to find what works for you, but your big boobs shouldn't banish you to a land of fugly undergarments.
I managed to drop a bra (and cup) size through sheer sweat. Not only can exercise help you shed extra fat, but it'll help strengthen the back and shoulder muscles which can often bear the brunt of those extra KG's on your front. Win-win!
Tell your boobs you love them (out loud)
Awkward admission time. I talk to my boobs in the mirror everyday. Why? Because after a decade of praying that they'd disappear, a bit of positive affirmation goes a long way. And also one day these things are going to nourish a HUMAN BEING.
Yeah they get in the way, and they're certainly not as perky as they used to be, but they're part of my body and they're healthy and they're mine, so it's important to show them a little gratitude even if they don't look like ANY of the boobs I see walking down the Victoria's Secret runway.
Got some boob hacks of your own? Chuck 'em in the comments section and let's all walk together into the sunset, refusing to be weighed down (physically or emotionally) by our mammary glands!